Recently I’ve been pretty down. And by recently, I mean
about the last 7 months. I’ve never had a drought like this before. I have
tried my hardest to not show it or even allow anyone to know I’m hurting, and I
think I’ve done a pretty well job. However, I’m exhausted, and it’s to the
point emotionally that I just have to simply write about it because by doing
so, I trick myself into believing that someone will read this and therefore I
will have heaved this boulder off my heart via venting.
7 months
ago I left the beautiful island of Oahu. Every person who first finds out that
I lived there always asks me the same question, “Do you miss it?” to which I
respond with the exact same response every time, “More and more everyday.” I
stop here and try to break topic to something else, mostly because all of my
friends here have had their ears talked off by me about my experiences that I
don’t want to overstep if I haven’t already done so. But that isn’t the only
reason, the main reason is exactly why my heart beats so heavy now days. When I
left, I didn’t just fly out of a postcard and back to reality. I left half of
my best friends behind. I said goodbye to smiling faces everywhere I went, an
indescribable culture, delicious foods, solitude of the mountain ridges and the
ocean from a board’s point of view. The memories shared, the tears shed, the
waves charged, and the mountains conquered are now so physically far away they
barely seem real. These guys and girls helped shape me into a much more mature
person than who left little South Dakota 4 years ago. It’s not the same as what
most people back home that left for college feel, I’m sorry but it’s not. Seriously,
even the way they shake hands there is different (the pound after a handshake
is non-existent and will leave you hanging every time guarantee). Everyone else
can take a quick road trip and see their friends/college and although my travel
time may be the same as your drive, it’s nowhere near the same price to do so.
I drove around for almost 3 weeks, went over 2100 miles ate/drank and spent
only about 2/3 of what a plane ticket would cost me from SD to HI.
My pain
isn’t as simple as to be labeled “homesick” for my now second home, but instead
it’s a feeling of being torn into 2 different directions. As I said earlier, I
left HALF of my best friends, so therefore my other half-lives right here at
home with me. If I had to take a stab at one of the many reasons I’ve tried to
hide this pain, I’d say a good reason would be that I don’t want to make my
friends here feel unloved. I adore my South Dakota friends, they are amazing
and when I’m in Hawaii I would always talk about these guys, just as often as I
tell stories in South Dakota about my crew back on the Island. Most of my
friends here are either done with school or are finishing up and returning back
to the Hills, where we grew up, where we have shared years and years of great
memories and where we have all imagined being 40 some year olds still surfin’
Angostura, rippin’ up Terry Peak and drinking fine wines and smoking cigars
(and of course, having gorgeous families to raise together and tell our kids
the stories of our dimwitted childhood).
But, I don’t
know where I’m going to end up. For now, I’m planted in the Midwest. I want to
go to medical school around here because I want to be close to home and my
family and the other half of my friends because they have all changed since
high school too. Frankly, it’s pretty nice talking to these guys since college
and to have actual mature conversations and viewpoints on life. I know the
smart and financially responsible choice is to remain in near my home roots.
Yet, I can’t say that this is where I want to end up. A very high percentage of
my friends at school are from the Islands and there is a reason why, because I
knew that if I ever came back, I’d have a new family that I can grow with, that
I can raise my kids with and engulf myself in a culture so unique it screams
for sovereignty; it’s that 808 place that can never be explained except to
those fortunate few who have truly experienced it through the eyes of a local. But
I’m not a local, maybe I was at one point, but now I feel like Tom Hanks in
Terminal when he is a man without citizenship to any country. I want so badly
to know where I’ll end up, and perhaps the medical field will take me in this
year if I’m fortunate enough and will decide on an entirely different place
without my consent. But until then, I wish everyday that my friends could all
meet each other. I know they would all click perfectly because for some weird
reason I have a knack for finding amazing individuals and surrounding myself
with them. They all have success, passion for fun, great personalities and an
unlimited area for love, as a common denominator.
If anyone
is ever reading this, you may be feeling upset, because I’m claiming a deepened
emotional state of sadness while bragging about the greatness of my friends.
And yes, that is exactly what I’m doing. Because although they are amazing, I
fall short, which is why I’m trying so hard to go somewhere in life, so that I
can someday be the one they brag to their friends about as I so often do of
them. Because regardless of where I end up, I don’t want half of my friends to
ever think I bailed on them or left because the other half was better. Nothing
could be further from the truth, I’ve always placed balance at the center of my
whole life philosophy but this is something I’m not sure I can do. I’m being
pulled to both ends of a spectrum one side being completely landlocked while
the other completely water-locked. Apologies for the length, I usually try to
add a positive twist but; I’m not so sure that I’ve found one yet, or ever
will. But until I do, just know that regardless if you’re from SD or if you’re
one of my HI ohana, I am incredibly proud to call you my friend.
