Secrets from Within

There I stand, naked, looking down upon my feet.

I reach for the shower faucet and turn it slowly to the right.

I close my eyes,

Patiently awaiting the inevitable change.

The cold water hits the back of my head, my eyes open.

My entire chest goes tight as my body internally reacts to the change.

I watch the water fall down my abdomen in an intricate network of rivers.

I close my eyes again.

I’m no longer in South Dakota.

I’m no longer land locked.

I now see the same network of streams running down my stomach.

But this time I’m at the beach.

The water is cold.

I really like the colder water.

It’s refreshing on my sun-beaten skin after hours out in the ocean.

I feel alive.

Where others find discomfort, I’ve found peace.

I like the cold water cascading down my body.

I open my eyes.

I’m back in a closed off shower.

I’m land locked.

My board has been replaced by a loofa.

I turn the water off.

A moment of hesitation,

I know when I draw back the curtain, my life begins again.

My life away from the Islands,

My life away from the culture,

My life away from my home.

They wouldn’t understand.

Even now, I only describe the physical

But who can describe the emotional attachment to such activities.

Weeks and months go by, eroding,

But the memories hold even stronger.

Tug of War

Recently I’ve been pretty down. And by recently, I mean about the last 7 months. I’ve never had a drought like this before. I have tried my hardest to not show it or even allow anyone to know I’m hurting, and I think I’ve done a pretty well job. However, I’m exhausted, and it’s to the point emotionally that I just have to simply write about it because by doing so, I trick myself into believing that someone will read this and therefore I will have heaved this boulder off my heart via venting.

            7 months ago I left the beautiful island of Oahu. Every person who first finds out that I lived there always asks me the same question, “Do you miss it?” to which I respond with the exact same response every time, “More and more everyday.” I stop here and try to break topic to something else, mostly because all of my friends here have had their ears talked off by me about my experiences that I don’t want to overstep if I haven’t already done so. But that isn’t the only reason, the main reason is exactly why my heart beats so heavy now days. When I left, I didn’t just fly out of a postcard and back to reality. I left half of my best friends behind. I said goodbye to smiling faces everywhere I went, an indescribable culture, delicious foods, solitude of the mountain ridges and the ocean from a board’s point of view. The memories shared, the tears shed, the waves charged, and the mountains conquered are now so physically far away they barely seem real. These guys and girls helped shape me into a much more mature person than who left little South Dakota 4 years ago. It’s not the same as what most people back home that left for college feel, I’m sorry but it’s not. Seriously, even the way they shake hands there is different (the pound after a handshake is non-existent and will leave you hanging every time guarantee). Everyone else can take a quick road trip and see their friends/college and although my travel time may be the same as your drive, it’s nowhere near the same price to do so. I drove around for almost 3 weeks, went over 2100 miles ate/drank and spent only about 2/3 of what a plane ticket would cost me from SD to HI.

            My pain isn’t as simple as to be labeled “homesick” for my now second home, but instead it’s a feeling of being torn into 2 different directions. As I said earlier, I left HALF of my best friends, so therefore my other half-lives right here at home with me. If I had to take a stab at one of the many reasons I’ve tried to hide this pain, I’d say a good reason would be that I don’t want to make my friends here feel unloved. I adore my South Dakota friends, they are amazing and when I’m in Hawaii I would always talk about these guys, just as often as I tell stories in South Dakota about my crew back on the Island. Most of my friends here are either done with school or are finishing up and returning back to the Hills, where we grew up, where we have shared years and years of great memories and where we have all imagined being 40 some year olds still surfin’ Angostura, rippin’ up Terry Peak and drinking fine wines and smoking cigars (and of course, having gorgeous families to raise together and tell our kids the stories of our dimwitted childhood).

            But, I don’t know where I’m going to end up. For now, I’m planted in the Midwest. I want to go to medical school around here because I want to be close to home and my family and the other half of my friends because they have all changed since high school too. Frankly, it’s pretty nice talking to these guys since college and to have actual mature conversations and viewpoints on life. I know the smart and financially responsible choice is to remain in near my home roots. Yet, I can’t say that this is where I want to end up. A very high percentage of my friends at school are from the Islands and there is a reason why, because I knew that if I ever came back, I’d have a new family that I can grow with, that I can raise my kids with and engulf myself in a culture so unique it screams for sovereignty; it’s that 808 place that can never be explained except to those fortunate few who have truly experienced it through the eyes of a local. But I’m not a local, maybe I was at one point, but now I feel like Tom Hanks in Terminal when he is a man without citizenship to any country. I want so badly to know where I’ll end up, and perhaps the medical field will take me in this year if I’m fortunate enough and will decide on an entirely different place without my consent. But until then, I wish everyday that my friends could all meet each other. I know they would all click perfectly because for some weird reason I have a knack for finding amazing individuals and surrounding myself with them. They all have success, passion for fun, great personalities and an unlimited area for love, as a common denominator.

            If anyone is ever reading this, you may be feeling upset, because I’m claiming a deepened emotional state of sadness while bragging about the greatness of my friends. And yes, that is exactly what I’m doing. Because although they are amazing, I fall short, which is why I’m trying so hard to go somewhere in life, so that I can someday be the one they brag to their friends about as I so often do of them. Because regardless of where I end up, I don’t want half of my friends to ever think I bailed on them or left because the other half was better. Nothing could be further from the truth, I’ve always placed balance at the center of my whole life philosophy but this is something I’m not sure I can do. I’m being pulled to both ends of a spectrum one side being completely landlocked while the other completely water-locked. Apologies for the length, I usually try to add a positive twist but; I’m not so sure that I’ve found one yet, or ever will. But until I do, just know that regardless if you’re from SD or if you’re one of my HI ohana, I am incredibly proud to call you my friend. 

First week of class

         It's a weird feeling stepping on to campus for the start of my final year at UH-Manoa. I remember the first time I came here 4 years ago with my family. I was so young and thought I knew so much. Now, with much more knowledge I introspect with quite the opposite view point in knowing that I have so much still to learn! I have loved my stay so far here in the lovely valley of Manoa and thinking about how quickly the first 3 years flew by almost scares me. I am very excited for my last year; as much as I love UHM, I'm very excited to graduate. I am no where near done with school so I'm anxious to get my undergrad out of the way and to hopefully start Medical school next fall.

         The first week of class is always exciting, it's the best to see old friends that come back from the mainland and outer islands for the year of classes. As I walk around campus it's comical to see the mixture of expressions on everyone's face. First years walk around with big smiles and their campus maps as they enjoy their first experiences on campus. Transfers walk around gleaming at all the features of a new campus including it's unique food, plant life, people and weather. The Veterans however, a little less cheery. They drag their feet between classes, conditioned to the beauty of the campus and immediately spring to life at the sight of a good friend they haven't seen since May. 

        My first-first week on campus was exhilarating! I remember meeting so many people, always fumbling around in my backpack to find my class schedule while simultaneously interpreting the campus map. Everything was so foreign to me and I couldn't get enough! This was also the first time I experienced a steak plate lunch, (note: if you haven't gotten one from campus yet, go get one ASAP!) it was love at first site. Coming from South Dakota, I'm used to eating my fair share of steak and potatoes; however the steak, rice and mac salad combo was a paradise in itself for my taste buds.

        The only downside to the first week of classes - besides the whole 'going to class again' reality - is all the lines. Line to get your textbooks, food, validate ID. They are so hectic as well as frustrating if you only have an hour break and don't want to risk being late for your next class so you have to keep putting off these essentials until the lines slowly fade away towards the end of the week.

         All in all though first week is always grand. Nothing can beat reuniting with a bunch of friends and talk story and share laughs while catching up!

The Heart vs The Brain

March 15, 2011

Heart vs Brain

What is the most important organ in the human body? Through a physicians point of view it would be argued between the brain and the heart. Only the death of these organs alone will determine whether or not a patient is alive or dead. One could argue the death of the brain reigns over the heart because it is only here where a heart can be harvested for donation so surely this would result in higher importance. The heart and the brain are very intimately related to one another, the heart pumps 30% of the blood straight up to feed the brain with nutrients. As stated earlier, only the death of one of these organs will result in the death of you, nothing else.

            Personally, I love the brain. It is as mysterious as it is powerful. Knowledge can reign king, in our world. When we have only scratched the surface on what is yet to learn in neurology it becomes one of the last frontiers next to space in which we actually know more about than the exact organ enabling us to think! However, I’m going to agree with an outside source and go against the brain when answering which is most important. What outside source am I going off of that could disagree with all the positive evidence of endless potential I’ve just described? The bible. I have written before about the heart. And many times I’ve connected the heart, mind and tongue together. But only the heart remains in sanctity within the text of the bible. Wisdom is often ridiculed, not for any reason other than the dependence upon your own humanly understanding. How can we understand something that is vaster than our universe? Something that is greater than our own perception of infinity? “Proverbs 2:6,10 For the Lord grants wisdom…For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will fill you with joy.” Once again we gain wisdom not in our minds but in our hearts.

            Luke 6:46 proclaim, “…Whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” So why trust our brains when we walk around day to do when we should be instead guided by our hearts? As I previously wrote, “Our minds don’t hurt when we are betrayed and sad, it is our heart that feels the pain, and it becomes our heart that we must attend to…”

            I write this because lately I’ve been reluctant to trust my heart. For someone who has always gone with his mind it becomes pretty difficult to make this kind of transition. I used to be so prideful to say that I was a realist and could see through the junk of shallow desires and dreams. However, it wasn’t until I started reading the writings of King Solomon did I realize how similar him and I were. For those who haven’t read Ecclesiastes, King Solomon wrote it as he searched for happiness. I realized back in high school that the pursuit of happiness was grossly perverted to the point where no one was ever happy. Everyone wanted some “big” event in his or her day in order to make it a better day. Solomon realized too that a life without God was meaningless. Enjoy the feeling of the sun on your face because soon you will grow old and blind, and the feeling will slowly subside until you are nothing more than dust and returned back to the earth. It seems pretty dreary right? However there is something beautiful to be found in the midst of this desolate thought. The answer to many things in fact was just answered. If you aren’t living for God than why are you living? The wise are born and die the same as the foolish, the rich become dust no different than the homeless.

            Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless; it is like chasing the wind (Ecclesiastes 6:9). Don’t desire what your mind wants but rather you’re heart. It is this reason that I don’t believe one can feel love without believing in God. How can you? Why would a person who doesn’t believe because ‘science’ doesn’t support or because ‘God allowed evil events to occur’ ever agree to feel happiness or love or sadness? If you that mock my faith are so wise than it should be you, not I, to inform you that you are not happy but merely getting an adequate amount of serotonin absorbed between your neurological synapses… perhaps you aren’t sad but just have an imbalance of dopamine? What meaning do you have in this life without these feelings?  Perhaps this is a very bold thing to ask, to assume that God created feelings and that nonbelievers cannot feel love, happiness or sadness. No, it is not this statement that I am making but merely pointing out the science behind what we perceive as something else. You can create emotions and sell them in a pill but you can’t amplify them with the same magnitude as God intended.

            Norepinephrine, serotonin, dopamine are all used in the upper brain when considering the physiological events of mood regulation. So how can I displace them? With such proof, and a refusing to deny their physiological roles than how can one say otherwise? I can answer both questions with one myself: where do you find happiness? What organ must you give peace before the pain will cease? The heart doesn’t rely on dopamine to beat blood, just as the heart doesn’t rely on serotonin to cure heartbreak.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do. Only through our heart will we find peace, and through our heart we will connect with God. It quickly becomes clear that it is our heart that is the gateway to joy. The invisible strings that connect us to everything in the world is really our innate ability to feel God. Why else would we feel so close to spring rain, or the giant mountains, or the tiny bird hopping along with a broken wing? Our minds aren’t urging us to go forward and help, we get pulled by our chest, by the strings connecting us to everything. These invisible strings are all part of the promise, the promise that God will never leave us; he created us in his image so therefore he must exist in all of us. We all share the power to love, and it’s exactly this that breaks down all barriers of true happiness. He isn’t sitting in a throne with a window that sees all; He is active in our lives, all of our lives. He is exactly the strings that pulls on our hearts, and it’s exactly this that gives us pain, because when God hurts we hurt, he doesn’t watch us cry but he cries as well. It is this reason that we receive wisdom first in our hearts, because who else should give wisdom but the wisest of them all? This is why we have heartbreak, because people like me have a hard time giving up the driving wheel, we’d rather lead with our minds rather than our heart, and when we don’t listen to our hearts we are choosing simultaneously ignore Him.

Coincidences

Coincidences                                                                                                                                            March 9, 2011

It has come to my realization recently that I do not believe in coincidences. In fact I hate the idea, as well as spelling the word out on paper. A coincidence is a striking occurrence of two or more events at a time apparently by mere chance. Chance, defined as something that wasn’t meant to be. For me, faith destroys the idea of chance. It prohibits the possibility of a coincidence. These divine moments can be broken down into two possible categories either it’s a divine moment between you and God, or it’s a temptation - a trap. The interpretation of the event is the most crucial part. Sometimes we walk through life trying to hear Him talk and we ignore the little signs such as these. Do not think “whoa that was crazy, because I was just thinking…” You were meant to think and hear/see what you did. But be careful and think ahead, if this is something that is going to bring you long-term happiness or just a one day smile? Here is when the heart becomes our most valuable tool. Listen to it, because it is here that will bring you peace. Do not think with you’re mind, does your head hurt when you are betrayed or when you lose someone close? No, it is your heart that you must give peace so it should be the heart that you listen to in times like these. Your mind has been cluttered by the nonsense of yesterday and your eyes and ears have seen and heard the perverse actions of today while your tongue stays alert and quick to betray your heart, but patient stays the most important of them all. And this is why you have heart break, because finally when everything else has its way and the outcome isn’t pleasing it’s your heart that cries out, not to anyone else but to yourself, pleading that you will start to listen.

I have finally started to listen not to my thoughts but to the more profound. And it is here where I have found peace, and it is only recently that I have started to seek a truer happiness. It all started when I decided to listen and not allow myself to believe in the coincidence but the higher meaning. For every negative particle in the universe there is a positive. Everything was created with it’s equal and it is here that I seek the reason behind these events and there is only one answer that doesn’t crumble to any test and that’s faith alone. With faith comes a ripple effect, one that will taken you to such a place that you will never again question where you are or why you are here. You will not be just another person lost within an ocean of people searching for something shallow that has just as much a chance of ending in failure as it does success. Instead go listen and wait, allow your heart to guide you to what is right. If you first please your heart your life will be happier, and don’t fret if you can’t imagine it, because we weren’t designed to imagine the future but rather only glimpse of it. (Philippians 4:7 - If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.) What fun would the journey be if you already knew how to get from point A to B? Trust that here you will be happier than you previously thought. Faith will bring you to where you need to be, and once you are there you will want nothing else because finally with peace your heart will dance to the rhythm of the inaudible song that connects all things. 

A Prophetic Prayer

“Excuse me.” Said a short brown skinned woman, whom I later found to be named Maria.

“Yes?” I respond, as I waited patiently for my roommate to finish talking with an older gentleman after the service so that we could go home, I was in no rush at all.

“I’m sorry, but I feel drawn to you, and I was wondering if you’ve ever heard of a prophetic prayer, and if you will allow me to perform one on you.”

“Ummm no I don’t really know what you are talking about, but sure.” As I stood hesitantly looking at the tall man who I believe was named Ben or Brent.

“Ok so how this is going to work, is I’m going to place my hand on your heart and pray out loud to God, I really feel like you are in need to hear Him today. Please don’t be afraid, sometimes I sway and move, it is natural when I become a channel.”

Then it started, the swaying and chanting just as she had said. I won’t lie, I thought this was going to be one of those things that I see on tv where there is a pastor chanting over an individual standing up and then suddenly at the end they yell and bam, the individual falls helplessly backwards only to be caught by strategically placed people. I’ve never been into that sort of thing but I have heard, and do believe that the Lord does some mysterious things through prayer, including speaking ancient tongues and that sort of gig.

My life was rocked within 30 seconds, and the sort of goofy thing, is that I felt as if, regardless of how greatly the words affected me, maybe it was because I didn’t show it, but I felt at the end as if Maria was unsatisfied but still happy at the same time. She asked if I had ever given my life to Christ in which I responded yes and told her how I’ve been wavering with my relationship with God for quite some time now. Before I get into the details let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a Christian, and like all followers, I stumble. A lot. Regardless I’ve been blessed to have heard some pretty awesome messages and been given a wonderful memory so I tend to catch myself and sort of guide my way back from it all. During this moment in my life was one of those cases. I had started to really like a girl who was religious, and I was so happy to have finally found someone like her and just as I was getting excited, things fell through. Just because my life seemed to fall apart I still had the sense to know that I must continue rebuilding my relationship with the One who loves me the most, and that was exactly why I was in church that day. To feel my Savior and be in a community of believers who shared with my yearning for Him.

“ I’m seeing a smiley face. Not just a smiley face but rather a yellow one, the same kind that your elementary teachers would put on your paper before they gave it back to you. Does this have any significance to you?”

All I could do was nod, as I closed my eyes and imagined exactly what she was telling me, too afraid to open my mouth for I was not sure if I could even make a sound.

“God is trying to give you this sticker Mason, He wants you to know that you are doing good. He is smiling down upon your life and wants you to know that he is so happy and proud of you. He wants to give you this smiley sticker, not for a good job on an assignment but rather for how you are doing right now in your life, to tell you that you are exactly where you need to be and He is so happy for you.”

Anyone else would find this rather anticlimactic, which is why I said that I felt as if Maria wasn’t as satisfied with the outcome as I was. My entire motive for life, everything that I’ve done so well to bottle up in side me just came out and it wasn’t my tongue that spoke the words of blasphemy towards my secret. Yet still no one listening in would be any the wiser, it was truly a moment between our God and myself, a moment that I am choosing to share with you. I, for the first time in awhile, felt like running. Running long and far away in order to escape the cars, the people, and the world. I wanted to be alone, on a ridge over looking the world so that here I could talk with my Creator just as He talked with my ancestors long before. I didn’t want to hold in my happiness and excitement yet as calmly as I could I thanked Maria and Ben/Brent who wished me a good day and hoped to see me the next week. Unfortunately I have not gone back to that church, I believe God has sent me to my new church for a reason and I plan to become a member of this other community for my own personal reasons. It is insane how He can design a message to be spoken that is so direct and personalized to so many different situations that we walk away knowing that that message was meant for me, maybe a few others but with out a doubt He wanted me to be in this geographic location at this exact moment in time on this date.

Before I continue to rant about His impeccable timing, which we have all heard a million times before and hopefully all believe in its truth, I will start to explain myself. This is going to be a very personal piece of writing but there is no way to relay the power of a prophetic prayer than to give part testimony simultaneously. So here it is.

I am a perfectionist. When I was little I always put my toys back whenever I was done playing with them. I cried when I got my hands dirty, and to this day I hate the feeling of being dirty (weird that I did concrete construction for 8 summers full time ya?). Before I entered school I could read, with great thanks to my older sister Megan. And before I knew math I was discovering basic mathematical sequences and giving them to my mother to show the math teacher whom she worked with. I was so thirsty for knowledge that I wanted nothing more than to know more, and to one day, know the most. So it wasn’t a surprise during kindergarten screening when they handed out gold stars, that I wanted to achieve one from each station, which I did. This year my mother said the lady told her that in a given exercise where the child is given blocks and asked how many different arrangements can be made, the lady was shocked by how much more I had made than anyone else. Naturally, I sought the “good job” sticker throughout elementary school. I increased my reading level to above high school and did everything I could to stay as far ahead as I could. It is only here, that I could find happiness. I feared that someone would know more trivia than I did, that someone else would become the “smart kid.”

After elementary school, my outlook shifted, more from educational to social. I still had aspirations of attending an east coast college, but no longer felt the need to go above the call of the teachers to learn. I was in coast mode, which to this day sickens me, but lasted all the way until my sophomore year of college. In my life, I seek approval. I love to help people because when I help them, they look to me for future needs. If I’m needed in the future than I’m needed in their life, which means I’ve been approved at their standard. It, like most things in life, was never black and white, it changed case by case, but regardless I was never able to escape my desire for perfection. In high school it continued on to be the perfect person, someone who was exceptional in everything. A Leonardo Da Vinci as some would say, a renaissance man who could do amazing feats in a variety of unrelated tasks. To this day, I still have a strong attraction to that idea. Often imitated, never duplicated. This quickly became my life motto so to speak.

Hopefully now, the smiley sticker presented to me by God is starting to show you some relevance for my emotional state. Many people know that I am a perfectionist and I do not hide this. But I try to only joke about the idea of being as perfect a human being as I can. I often think of the teachings I’ve been told, “and go forth and live your life in the image of Jesus, strive to live that perfect life…” And not until recently when I was indulging myself with the Word did I start to realize that God does not care about the wisdom of this world and that He may come down at any time and mock those who think they are wise for it is only through Him that one may become truly wise. Only those who look to satisfying the wishes of the world will be but fools in the eyes of the Lord for the wise will look to Him to satisfy wishes. I have made the realization that I was indeed living for man, and not for God. I wanted so badly to satisfy and be accepted by everyone else that I wasn’t even concerned for the one who was satisfied the entire time. I will still try and be the best at everything I do, for it is in my nature and blood to pursue perfection, however I will now strive at this goal from a different viewpoint. Instead of aspiring to be the best because of what others will think I want to earn something much greater than all the gold and diamonds of this world could offer. I want to earn the smiley sticker from the One who laid the path for my mother and father to meet, the One who guided me 4000 miles away from everything I was once familiar with, the One who knows every star by name. It is for Him that I continue to pursue perfection, but because of Him, my thoughts are no longer a disease but rather a blessing. Romans 12: 6-8, Paul tells us to go out and do what God has given us the gifts to do, if its to serve than serve happily, if it is teaching, teach well, if God has given you the gift of leadership, than take the responsibility seriously…

I hope that you all will introspect and see what God has blessed you with. For no one person is equal in strengths and this is for a reason. So that we can have teachers, and servants and people to share kindness, people to lead us, and the list goes on. I pray that you will find your gifts and use them for His purpose, for it’s this purpose that we will make Him smile.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him” 1 Corinthians 2:9 Just a verse that I read recently and felt like sharing J

What do we really want?

What do we really want?                                                                                    February, 11 2011

            Why do lighters exist? Why do we act so crazy during certain times of our life? Why do we eat food that has been completely shredded by a machine and smashed back together? The answer to all these questions as well as many more can be simply put, “because something motivated us to do that, obtain it, crave it.” Man was cold, and so he captured fire and protected it with all of his will. The woman wanted to have a baby so she wouldn’t lose the man she loved, so she stabbed a pregnant lady and tried to steal her baby (its happened google it!). I was hungry and I didn’t have very much money, so I went to the same fast food taco joint and ordered the same 5 tacos, always no lettuce though.

            Motivation is the most powerful tool one can possess. It separates leaders from followers as well as great leaders from mediocre. It propels success in every definition of the word. Inventors envision a better, possibly easier tomorrow. So my question to you, is how come motivation has such a powerful influence over our lives? Now, there are a wide variety of answers that could be spilling out your mouths but one that I would like to emphasize is the desire of wanting. We want an easier life, we want food quick and now, we want to be warm, and we want to be happy. It is just this that creates peace, and on the other end destroys countless lives in war.

            My challenge to you is to answer this question, what do you want? For some it could be easy, but then again if it’s that easy then chances are good that the want is something materialistic or shallow. I want a boyfriend that cares, I want to get into medical school, I want to see my family, or I want to be done with school. I don’t mean to step on any toes by saying the above list is of shallow intent but before you jump out of your seat or stop reading try stimulating yourself. By this, I mean your brain, allow yourself to have a ‘mindgasm’ where you release everything and you truly start to critically think about something. Once this is achieved our wants may become much more profound and yet at the same time, more primitive in action.

            Happiness, security, a healthy family, acceptance, longevity of life, the competency to forgive… some of these may start to pop into your mind. They are all simple ideas that people seek everyday. However these ideas, though so simple, start to deform and become so perverted that it becomes hard to figure out the root of the desire. When this happens, an invisible wall is constructed, creating ignorance between our subconscious and us. Stop here and consider what I just said, ignorance is being built between you and your own wants. The concept is simple, there is a lot of actions that we do that we are completely oblivious to, such as eating with our mouths open, smirking inappropriately, body language, the list can go on and on. The concern is when it moves from a physical habit to a mental habit.

            I want to help people, I always have and I always will; however my want to help people does not come from the mere act of helping out, but from a much more powerful selfish feeling. My want is to be accepted, and I feel accepted when I help people. When you genuinely help someone out they give you a smile that is so true and honest that it makes the hairs on your neck stand as goosebumps form on your arms. It makes you smile in return and in that moment in time you are accepted as respectful member to society. It is here, as well as countless more, that motivation can change lives. Motivation can change the world by rewriting the future so that the past doesn’t continue to be so horrible.

            So what do you want? In my quest for happiness, one of my many other root-wants, I search women. It is here that I find a different form of happiness, one that calms my restless brain and tears down the idea of being alone. Along my path, and its been quite the rollercoaster, I have found a very interesting reoccurrence. For the first time, I even warned the individual not to fall into what has become such an unintentional trap. Through my observations I have come to one solid consensus, and that is simply that people, not just girls, do not know what they truly want. For my supporting evidence I am going to use girls, please do not get the idea that I am referring to only girls or even emphasizing something towards girls, it simply has become the bulk of my studies.

            The said reoccurrence of which I am referring to is one of obligation. Girls say what they want, and claim that it is not out there but in reality it becomes more of a fact of avoidance. I am still without a doubt ignorant to the entire thought process behind any of this. I simply just observe the emotional process from the beginning to the end. It starts out the same every time with a girl who smiles and as I said earlier, I feel the motivation to recreate the smile as often as possible. If she’s smiling than I’m smiling, and if we are both smiling than obviously something is right. I’m a little different, but definitely not abnormal. I have a future planned out and a realistic dream that happens to not be self-centered. This combination is golden to pick up girls. The reason why I’m writing this, is clearly because my intent was completely the opposite. I tell of my ambitions, not to get into their pants but to allow them to see a side of me that would otherwise be invisible.

I am 100% in support of profound conversation because it honestly builds a connection that can withstand a lot of destruction. However, that topic is a completely separate piece of writing and if you wish to discuss about that more, feel free to let me know.

 I love humans; I desire that deeper connection that is only achieved by opening up and revealing your raw, honest thoughts. The same thoughts, which define who we are. Back to the topic, I allow them to see my future. In doing so, it paints a beautiful picture of security, happiness and serenity. I know this, because it’s my dream I spend loads of time thinking about it because it feels less stressful than my life now. So as I start to get to know the girl I start to become fearful that she is interested in the wrong guy. “You have everything figured out, you are set, blah blah blah.” But the truth couldn’t be farther away. I don’t have everything figured out, there are still hundreds of hurdles between where I am at now and where I WANT to be. So I even began to give warning, that my life is a complete mess, my thought processes are entangled with frayed out nerve endings that resemble a city after a tornado just hit. And before I can convince them otherwise, it happens.

Now towards the end of the process it becomes easy to figure out if you know what signs to look for. Body language is key to predicting any situation and unfortunately I’ve become pretty decent at this, sometimes desired, art form. I say unfortunately because of the same reason why people respond with “no” when asked if they could find out their exact day of death, would they want to know. It sucks to be able to see and envision the entire conversation before it plays out which sounds something like, “I know you are the person I should be with, but for some reason I don’t want to, I can’t, I’m sorry.” The above conclusion to the relationship, regardless of length, is the one that infuriates me the most yet intrigues me just as much. The feeling of anger is quite obvious as I’ve described in the paragraph above but the response intrigues me because of the thought of desire. “I should like you, but I can’t/won’t/don’t.” This same statement has allowed me to build up a lot of resentment towards girls that say, “Guys in the movies don’t really exist.” Perhaps they don’t exist because they have gotten the same response I have. The only reason why I don’t change is because like I said, I don’t say the things I say to pick up girls, I’m not that pathetic, or at least sometimes I like to believe so.

I know of a few more examples of people rejecting something that is easily seen as beneficial to an outside party. But that isn’t the point of me writing. The entire motive for me to write this is based off of the idea of hidden motivation. What then, do girls really want, do guys really want? Could it be simply enough that I just randomly stumble across girls with similar interests and wants? I doubt it; there are far too many discrepancies both in geographic location as well as ethnically for me to hold much belief in that probability. I know the motivation exists, I just can’t find the root because nobody has allowed me enough insight but some day or perhaps never will I figure out why people say/do the things they do.

I’m duly sorry if you developed hopes of finding out more about motivation than what I can offer but if that’s what you are feeling at this point than I am sorry to inform that the entire point was clearly missed by your perception. It was not the root of the motivation I was seeking, no, for that is way too complex and is grossly inappropriate to label even two people with the same motives. Rather, I was hoping to give you further insight to why people do things that seem strange, the answer is of course motivation, the drive that makes them want whatever it is that they want. We may never find out exactly what it is but it can be seen clearly in our lives. You can’t be upset with it, and you may not understand it, but one thing that must be done is the acceptance of it.

            Humans are very complex animals that behave completely out of sync with any biologist’s statistical behavior equations. Its because we have more than a biological desire, we see that there is more to life than mere physiological needs of eating and sleeping. We give up sleep to do well on an exam; we give up our need for eating food when we are sad (others may increase their intake of food). And before I let you go, I suppose its only fair to say what my most powerful motivator/desire/want is… and that’s the fear of failure. It completely shapes my life and attitude everyday, the fear that if I don’t take classes seriously I may fail the MCAT, or during experience, if I forget something, even as minor as a common symptom, it could kill someone. “What you don’t know, won’t kill you.” However, in my career aspirations, it might not kill me, but it COULD kill someone else. I’m not going to allow that to happen quite so easily.