A Starry Ocean

January 8, 2011

A Starry Ocean

After more than 20 trips across the largest ocean on our planet I never noticed until now how beautiful of a scene the ocean can be from 38,000 feet. I don’t know if it was my particularly relaxed state of mind that is resulted from the effect of finishing a book or perhaps it’s the opposite. After zero sleep perhaps, as its been noted throughout history that people often see the obvious only once they exhaust their brain to the point where merely the simplicity of beauty can be seen.

            People say the sky is blue because it reflects the ocean; although this statement is grossly wrong, it is the reason why I write this. The sky and the ocean. The Pacific Ocean is the largest body of water. Incredible is its vastness, as equally dangerous, it is beautiful.  From 38,000 feet it looks as calm as a two-dimensional picture of different hues of blue. Each cloud casts its own unique shade down upon the ocean’s surface. Beyond this, if you focus on the smaller details you can see the white heads of the sea, indicated that it is more than a flat blue slate. These dots are of most interest to me. Each white speck different from the next, some bigger, some more vividly white. Then, it hit me. I was looking at the most beautiful of starry nights but from a most unique perception. It was as if there was a point where the mirror starts and I could look down and see the most gorgeous art work and then wait until sundown simply to adjust my gaze upward for the same artwork, just on a different canvas.

The sight from the plane brings about the familiar sense of feeling small when contemplating the awesome view so far below me. It’s sights like these that God reminds me of His presence everywhere. Only once you strip everything away are you able to revert back to the raw beauty of it all. Many of us live a lifestyle pursuing perfection. What is more perfect than nature? Evolution has taken away errors and flaws making each event perfectly perfect for that moment in time. A few of nature’s treasures including ecosystems, vast oceans, sunsets, a clear night sky illuminated by the moon alone all perfect in their own setting. All these speak countless stories, stories of the most courageous, bold, beautiful and love. It becomes sad only when we as individuals, condition ourselves to such events. No longer is our appreciation given to such simple, yet powerful views. Hope can be found in knowing that these said events can be seen at any moment.

            Knowing that happiness is constantly at our disposal allows us to forever have hope. Hope leads to faith which then, and only then, allows the invisible to come to light, the inaudible become detectable, and the restlessness of our hearts relax

The Moon

The moon

“We must strive to be like the moon.” In the book A long way gone by Ishmael Beah his grandmother continues on to explain what this statement means in respect to people always needing to be on their best behavior and to be good to others. “She said that people complain when there is too much sun and it gets unbearably hot, and also when it rains too much or when its cold. But, she said, no one grumbles when the moon shines. Everyone becomes happy and appreciates the moon in their own special way. Children watch their shadows and play in its light, people gather at the square to tell stories and dance through the night. A lot of happy things happen when the moon shines. These are some of the reasons why we should want to be like the moon.”

This is one of my most favorite passages that I have ever read. The analogy is beautiful! So often do we find ourselves complaining just as the grandmother proclaims. Not talking about weather, we can look at each of our lives and apply it to when we lose our tempers with people around us. Think about a day at work or in your apartment with your roommates or perhaps simply spending time with friends. We all eventually have our bad days or moments where we seem to be more irritable than normal. So we complain, “there’s nothing to do” or “how long are we going to be here, I want to leave.” Perhaps its just that we get short with our own neighbors feeling upset with an action they did and as you spend your time cleaning their left over dishes from the previous night we tend to think about a simpler life with roommates more like ourselves.

            It’s hard to imagine us as the antagonist of others’ thoughts. We never put ourselves in that position where our friends are getting short with us because of some small mistake we may have made. In reality we are all that person, some more than others but nonetheless we have all been that person and we will all be that person again. I think that if we follow the advice of this elderly woman from Kabati, life could be a little more enjoyable for everyone.

            Transform yourself, by loving our God with every cell in our body and then going forth and loving our neighbor the SAME we can achieve the status of the moon. People will dance in your presence and plaster smiles across their faces when you walk in the room. Children will climb on you begging to play as people sense something unique once He radiates from within you. Become forever changed and become something much greater. Proverbs 17:3 “Fire tests the purity of silver and gold but the Lord tests the heart.” Become like the moon and purify your heart. The simple act of loving can fortify relationships and lift us to a higher level we’ve never felt before. Jesus was often quoted in the bible for commanding his disciples to “go and do likewise,” whenever he finished telling them a story of a righteous act.

            So go out and do likewise, live not only for Him but also live as He would live. Love unconditionally, Forgive immediately, seek Wisdom over Wealth and most importantly have Faith in his guidance.

The wilderness

March 22, 2010

A trip through the wilderness

            Very recently did I embark on a trek through what I have grown to love to call “the wilderness.” My youth pastor and good friend would always refer to slipping in faith as an analogy to taking a hike through the wilderness. Everybody loves it, we escape and feel good and for a small time never want to go back, and the freedom is ecstasy! The wilderness is not a good place to cruise in though. We forget about the life we should be living and focus more on escaping reality. All of us go on these walks, and they can be short walks of a few days or weeks, sometimes they are very long, multiple months maybe even a year or longer! The tricky thing about the wilderness, if you’ve ever gone camping without any instruments and attempt to “get lost” you will understand that the further you walk in an unknown direction, the harder its going to be to get back.

            My vacation lasted around 6 months or so. A very good friend of mine helped me out of the wilderness after I was incredibly lost for over a year. I changed a lot and when she found me I was a complete wreck, but she said she wanted to help me because she sincerely believed that I was a better person than what I was showing and that I she believed I wanted to change back for the better. We talked every week and I was going to church until I stopped due to work conflicts, and then hung over Sunday mornings and a girlfriend added to it. I quickly should have realized that without church it’s very easy to wander without a guided course off the trail and into the woods. Before I knew it, I was back in the wilderness, this time for about 6 months. Fortunately I had not changed very much and it was just a quick reorganization of my priorities to set me back on track. I’m not out of the wilderness. But I’m facing the right direction to find my way back to the path where I wandered. It will take some time but as I was worshiping today I realized how much things have changed and for a short period I felt like I was next to Him again, just singing and spilling my heart for Him and I no longer cared who was around me, who could hear, what was going on in my life, I was in a serene environment like swimming underwater but not having to hold your breath.

            I found myself reading some of my older writings, not out of an egotistical point of view but because I don’t write for only other people, I am usually writing for myself, and then I make it public in case someone else is going through the same emotional ride and hopefully I can help them through my words. But I sort of needed a kick in the ass to say it harshly. And never have I been so happy to receive it. The wilderness can be tempting and look like a grand time but there’s much more happiness to be made where you are right now. I love my life and I always have but I want to make sure that I become the man that God wants me to become and it goes for everyone else, sometimes we just get a little off track and that’s OK! As long as we find our way back than there hopefully is little harm done. I don’t want to go back in, I don’t want to wander off, my goal is to make it home for the summer in good, strong faith and continue that on through to the next semester, I know I can do it and I have excellent friends all over the U.S. that I know I can rely on without hesitation.

            I feel as if a giant boulder was lifted off my chest today. It kind of points to the irony of the whole “freedom” feeling when in reality I was carrying a much heavier load than I am now. This is probably because I’m asking God to help now, He was always there, and just was waiting to pull over and give him the keys for awhile, and remember that I belong in the passenger seat and if I insist on driving than I better bring my GPS (God’s Planned System) along with me to make sure I don’t take a wrong turn along the journey.

The future (poem)

October 26, 2010

Someday I won’t be here

You may knock on my door

Or hit up my phone

But only blissful silence

Will answer the call

And I will be far, far away

You won’t be able to reach me

Finally on this day

Far, far away

I will be able to exhale

What I entail behind this poem:

I’m here for a purpose, and that purpose is to help people. Therefore I cannot afford to be static, I must constantly be learning, progressing and someday I will become a doctor. I would like to do something similar if not join the foundation “doctors without boarders.” I really believe this is and has always been my calling in life and I can’t think of anything I’d rather do. So someday I will no longer be in the U.S. I will be very far away and when this day comes I will finally be living my dream that the greatest of Architects has drawn up for me. And on this day I will finally be able to exhale because this part of my journey will have then been met. I can’t wait, and I will of course be back. I want a family more than anything (possibly take my wife with me if the situation arises). But I must take this one step at a time and someday my dream will be accomplished and I can go forth with other dreams and continue helping people in whatever way I can. And perhaps someday I will be able to relax again, but rarely do I convince myself that there is time to enjoy what God has given me. My brain is a unique part of me that rarely slows down and would rather keep pointing toward the future, toward undiscovered ground and opportunities that I have yet to find. With constant worry for my loved ones I look forward to moments like the one I wrote about where I can finally exhale and tell myself “good job, you did it!”

The Dream

            My entire life, I’ve heard amazing stories of inspiration, of people growing up in the projects to escape the stereotype because they had a dream. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, and he made it come true by using his words as a new form of action that was not new but still rarely seen in his day in time. Coming to Hawaii I have been exposed to almost every ethnical background as I could have ever imagined and at times, being a white male, I feel insignificant. My cultural sense lacks for sure, I don’t really have any cool traditions or food to add to the salad and I feel as if people look at me as a bland person who wouldn’t understand the first thing about cultural pride. One of these said things is the abundance of money and lack of ability to dream. I hate it, I’ve had a guy tell me that it’s rare for Hawaiians like himself to live in the location where he’s from, but my parents could easily come out and buy a house. I told him his statement was very doubtful and shallow and he was surprised to find out I come from zero money at all.

            It’s true, I did grow up in Middle America, from a very beautiful family and though my parents both worked for everything they have today, they suppressed the same ethic onto myself. I grew up on construction sites, I had my first small plastic wheelbarrow at the age of 4 and I was being left on job sites with my uncle and my father’s employees starting as early as 5. My mother is a teacher that being said it’s logical that I grew up in a very educational setting at home. I love what my parents do but I will never do either and instead have decided to apply both into what has become a life long dream of mine.

            A part of my heart, the part that cannot be touched by external human emotion was taken from me before I was born. God placed that piece in a place that is far from normal, far from my family and far from the safety of America. That place, the last strong hold for natural, raw, beauty is also one of the most dangerous places for a white person to go, let alone any outsider.

            Africa is a continent that is rarely desired, and even more rarely carried through with the plans. It’s unforgiving, powerful, dangerous, and yet the most beautiful place that mankind has not tarnished in my eyes. It’s not a secret that I’m studying to become a doctor, many people know this, but they never have taken the time to ask ‘why’. Most will ask the common question, “What kind of Dr. do you want to be.” But that’s pretty much the extent of the conversation.

            Every year thousands of tribes and villagers in Africa go without clean water, they walk sometimes more than one mile to get dirty water. On top of this, many live in open shacks where they can be bitten by tons of bugs. There are organizations that strive to fix both of these, they raise money and send volunteers over to rural areas to dig fresh water wells and supply bed nets and by doing so they improve the health and life expectancy dramatically. The above 2 problems are only the start of a truly bleak standard of life in reflection to what people in America grow up in. I hear all the time that we shouldn’t be thinking about them when we have our own poverty in America, but I see it a little differently. American’s are protected by rights, they don’t have to worry about a rebel infantry coming and slaughtering all the men and raping the women as they steal the young boys only to give them cocaine mixed with gunpowder so they can brainwash them into being another child soldier for their “war”. American’s if need, can walk less than a mile to a public drinking fountain to obtain fresh tap water that has been filtered and passed high standards of health bars.

            When I was about 16 years old I decided I wanted to become a doctor, wasn’t ever sure, just that I wanted to be one. At first it was slightly about the money, not for myself but I vowed that I would give my future children the same opportunities that my parents gave me, and hopefully more. I want them to grow up without having to pay for their college, but still drive a good work ethic and most importantly I wanted to become a doctor that allowed me to be with my family, where I could actively participate and take them on these endeavors around the world.  As time passed, my heart started to yearn for something greater. Every time I hear an African tribal song or see something in a movie, or article or internet I get this undeniable sensation crawl up my spine trying, yearning me to go, driving my intentions always towards that one special place.

            My entire life I’ve enjoyed helping others in a positive way, in high school I would help friends if they didn’t understand a subject, in college so far I’ve lead countless study groups, helped friends pass organic chemistry and landed a job where I’ll be a paid advisor for fellow students. The feeling one gets after selflessly helping another is amazing, it’s a high that I can’t get from anything else and so I constantly alter my life so I can do it as often as possible. The non-academic part of my life has been filled with manual labor, and when I wasn’t working on job sites I was working out for sports. Both these strengths I believe have made my dream the most realistic it could ever be. I want to go to Africa and practice medicine. With the average age at around 17-18 I think there is no better candidate for help. God programmed us all differently. (Romans 12: 6-8)  God declares not only has he given us all an ability to do it well but that we shall go forth and use it as best as we were meant to do. I was born into a special place where I developed hard work ethic of manual labor from my father mixed with the fortunate intellect of a most brilliant mother, both of which have hearts of gold. It doesn’t make much sense that I was placed here for any other purpose.

            I’m going to go somewhere near the Serengeti, central Africa, where there is a vast need for help and away from the corrupted cities. I don’t want to globalize the village that allows me to stay because that is not why I’ll be there. I want to escape the corruption to the last raw beauty that hasn’t been tainted. I’d like to spend 2 years there, 1 at the least because I don’t think anything less will be long enough to build the trust I need to positively impact the people for a long period of time. I have so much to learn and I don’t see any better teacher of life than from the minds of a pure person who has lived through hardship and still smiles each morning. There is a song I wish everyone could hear, and I’m so grateful it has unofficially been announced as the 2010 World Cup anthem “Wavin’ Flag Celebration Mix – K’Naan” I listen to this song every single day. When I dream I hear this song, when I close my eyes my head dances to the rhythm and before I know it I cannot stop smiling. It brings absolute joy to my soul and I know it’s because the small part of my heart that is far away from me is briefly back, I’m whole again for that 3 minutes and 40 seconds. Nothing can bring me down and all I can do is smile because I know what He has in store for me. Every weekend that I study, every time I chose to go library instead of sleep in is because of this. It is my dream and I know that I’m in Hawaii to meet amazing people but just as importantly I’m here to study to become a doctor so that I can fulfill my dream. Without an organization, electricity, running water, or outside contact, just me, a new family and the awesome secrets of Africa awaiting to pounce down upon me. There is so much more I could tie into this, but I feel as if it is long enough so I will say goodbye. Because it is 4 in the morning and I’m going to go listen to my song, go to sleep and dream about a place that is far, far away from here…

I do not pronounce you man and wife...

I do not pronounce you…

            “Everyone is created half complete, and we must go out into the world and be brave enough to find our other half. Once we do this we allow ourselves to live life to its fullest, the way it was meant to be.”

          This quote doesn’t apply to me, in fact it may not even be a quote at all but something I wrote that I feel is familiar and of relevance. It’s good and it brings about a sense of happiness and hope, which is why I like it. Another quote that comes to mind when I think about this, “You will never get married, you can’t handle commitment with another human being for that long.” The latter of the quotes, sadly, is far more relevant to my life. I used to get upset when my friends would say things like this and it wasn’t because I ever had trouble attracting a girl, it was like they said, I had commitment issues but don’t we all? Most people resolve these issues pretty early on in life and by college have sustainable relationships when they find a genuinely good person that is ready to have a mature, lasting relationship. Why is it then that I find myself tearing down girls who want to have a mature relationship and then turn around and try and lie to other people by claiming that I don’t want a useless relationship but rather something profound.

            God didn’t create me for the kind of relationship that is also known as marriage. He created me for friendships and that’s about it. Sometimes I find myself idolizing couples whether its in person or on a social media website, constraining my brain to try and fathom the idea of love. I know what love is but I mean the kind of bond that is shared between two people, the lasting effect that has the power to keep two individuals next to each other for the remainder of their earthly lives. I start to wish that I could have that, and actually start to believe that it’s something obtainable that I could achieve. By now you may be thinking, “this is fricken pathetic, everyone can fall in love, and you just haven’t found ‘the one’ yet.” I disagree completely. I think, in fact I know, that I have fallen in love and if our paths would have been laid down more parallel than perpendicular than perhaps I too, would be destined for a life with a beautiful girl.

            My dream demands a lot from me, and I do not believe I am selfish enough of a person to try and allow another person to be affected in the negative way that a relationship would bring. I could not give the attention that is needed, or could I put in the sufficient amount of effort of keeping another person happy when I seem to find a hard enough time keeping myself content. And it’s a lot easier for me to forgive myself than another person, because I know exactly why I’m doing the things I’m doing. And what if, somehow I find a girl that is going into a competitive field as well and wouldn’t require the attention because they would understand, perfect that solves everything! But not really, once I’m done I believe its my calling to leave the protective bubble of the U.S. and travel to countries where they are in dire need of good medical help. Attraction in a relationship has a variable known as “proximity,” and the further away an individual is, the less powerful the bond. Now once time is added in it becomes a clear picture as to why it wouldn’t work. I’m not going to bring technology, I don’t want to lug around a laptop for video messaging because I will be somewhere that has zero power outlets.

            One girl suggested that I find someone who shares the same dream, and I thought about it, and ran some scenarios such as a photographer, journalist or another physician but that would be in a perfect world, and the world I live in, is far from perfect, which is why I’m doing the things that I’m doing. It took one last engagement series for me to sit in slight jealousy before it dawned on me that it just isn’t looking like it will be for me. Let’s say that I want a relationship, I want to get married but looking at my track record, and weighing my options with consideration of my career choice it just doesn’t seem probable. Who says it would be fair for the better half anyway? She falls in love and, granted that it’s even possible; I take her half way across the world only to put her life in direct danger for the fulfillment of my own personal dreams? Naw, I don’t think I could do that either, if something were to happen there would be nothing to stop me from carrying that blame on me for the rest of my life.

            My conclusion is simply that as much as I want to see my own personal children running around and soaking up new information from observing the changing world around them, I will not. I hope I’m wrong, more than anything but at the same time I would rather save a girl’s heart than to be selfish. How could I ask a girl to handle my lifestyle when most of the time I can’t even figure out how I put up with it?

Hula Devotion

April 6, 2010

Hula Dancer

What’s the most amazing feeling in life? If you ask 100 people you are most definitely going to get 100 different responses if you give them adequate time to ponder the question. Many people may tell you something about helping others out, little “warm fuzzies” during the day that don’t say a lot to the outsiders but means a galaxy’s worth to them. Others will tell you spending time with their soul mate. The list goes on and on, I won’t continue to bore you with rambling reasons, but there’s one feeling that I feel, in my life, trumps all others that has come through before. Have you ever watched God work through someone, whether it’s an action or a passage or anything, doesn’t even have to be through another person, but you know it when you see it ya?

I have always heard that ‘actions speak louder than words’ and I do believe this statement to be very true. It doesn’t surprise me that my new pastor, Brent, said that same phrase in his message last Sunday (April 4, 2010). When he was nearly finished an older lady came up to do a dance, a hula dance. It was a mere devotion to God and was done to a gospel song. Everything up to this point was normal, and then the music just wouldn’t play, but luckily it’s the 21^st century and she was able to grab her ipod and plug it into the system. I was expecting to be impressed; I always am with cultural dances and anything new to be honest. As soon as the song started and her front leg came forward and pointed her toe on the ground a giant smile was plastered across my face. At this point, in recollection I distinctly remembering trying to stop smiling as my cheeks started to hurt and that was when it hit me, I was genuinely smiling now. Not just a grin, but a full on giant smile you put on your face when you get that special present you wanted more than anything else in the world. I simply could not wipe it off my face. If I could describe the feeling I think it would be similar to how proud a parent feels as they watch their child perform in an art, or sporting event and all eyes are on them and they watch as their child performs flawless or not, they are always proud because they love them, unconditionally. I love the parent-child metaphor for love when I try to explain God’s love for us whether its to help my own thoughts or explain to a friend who is confused about my beliefs, I think the metaphor is the closest thing that we can find here on earth.

For me, when I talk to my Lord, or see him act through my environment in the day, I feel a very familiar chill come across me. It envelops my body and it always starts in my mid back, right between the shoulder blades and creeps up my neck where it shoots everywhere across my peripheral nervous system. Every hair follicle tingles, my arms develop goose bumps and I feel warm, as if someone poured an invisible warm liquid on me that somehow warms you up instantly but doesn’t feel wet. I don’t know how else to describe it, but whenever I feel alone I talk to Him and I know he’s listening by that chill, He’s always next to me so I know I can feel that at any moment in my life, it’s an awesome feeling like no other. When the lady was doing her dance I could feel Him in the room. Not just on me but this time it was greater, much greater. I got the same feeling I get when I stop to look at the stars, I feel humbled yet protected at the same time. It was pure beauty. I know that what I witnessed was just that, beauty in its most raw form! The feeling overwhelmed me, yet this time it lasted for the duration of the song/dance. At the end when service was over I felt myself get up and walk straight up to the lady and just tell her how beautiful it was and how grateful I felt to have witnessed such a righteous devotion.

The lady smiled at me and very modestly asked if I was a new comer for she hadn’t recognized me and invited me to go have lunch with her and a few other members of the church which I regretfully declined and went home with my friends instead. The entire service was amazing, I walked out of the longest service of the semester (2 hours) and felt as if it was 30 minutes. I didn’t care what the time was, I wanted to have more, I yearned for Him, for more time to feel so close to him, closer than I ever had before. I knew that I was ‘forever changed,’ as I sang those words in a song at the beginning of the morning. I know my life is not ever going to be the same, no matter how much time I spend ‘camping out’ in the wilderness I am me, and that is a Christian and a loyal servant to my Lord.

It’s amazing how different life is when you stop and give him the keys, not just when times get hard but rather all day everyday. For those that know me, they will tell you that I’m a control freak, I need to know what is going on, where to be and at what time. So to give up my power full time has always been a continuous struggle for me but as I learn more and more it’s become a little easier and my eyes have become more focused to see where God is, my ears a little keener to hear His words and my touch more enhanced to feel His presence next to me, every step of the way. In my journey back, back to my roots sort to speak I had to re-download the song that pushed me into Christianity back in the 7^th grade because I did not have it on my new computer. “Lift it” by Thousand Foot Krutch, I need to go back to where I came from and I need to do what I was taught by my father at the age of 12. I need to patch up my foundation, mix up some concrete and press it in the cracks to seal it up and fortify my footings so that I can stand taller than I ever have before and stronger as well. It’s harder being 4000 miles away from my best friends and fellow followers but I have full confidence that He will not only show me the way to meeting additional friends that have mutual views but also keep me on the path so that I will not wander. I have full faith that I am where I needed to be, where I can grow stronger as a Christian and eventually become the man that he created me to be.