I do not pronounce you…
“Everyone is created half complete, and we must go out into the world and be brave enough to find our other half. Once we do this we allow ourselves to live life to its fullest, the way it was meant to be.”
This quote doesn’t apply to me, in fact it may not even be a quote at all but something I wrote that I feel is familiar and of relevance. It’s good and it brings about a sense of happiness and hope, which is why I like it. Another quote that comes to mind when I think about this, “You will never get married, you can’t handle commitment with another human being for that long.” The latter of the quotes, sadly, is far more relevant to my life. I used to get upset when my friends would say things like this and it wasn’t because I ever had trouble attracting a girl, it was like they said, I had commitment issues but don’t we all? Most people resolve these issues pretty early on in life and by college have sustainable relationships when they find a genuinely good person that is ready to have a mature, lasting relationship. Why is it then that I find myself tearing down girls who want to have a mature relationship and then turn around and try and lie to other people by claiming that I don’t want a useless relationship but rather something profound.
God didn’t create me for the kind of relationship that is also known as marriage. He created me for friendships and that’s about it. Sometimes I find myself idolizing couples whether its in person or on a social media website, constraining my brain to try and fathom the idea of love. I know what love is but I mean the kind of bond that is shared between two people, the lasting effect that has the power to keep two individuals next to each other for the remainder of their earthly lives. I start to wish that I could have that, and actually start to believe that it’s something obtainable that I could achieve. By now you may be thinking, “this is fricken pathetic, everyone can fall in love, and you just haven’t found ‘the one’ yet.” I disagree completely. I think, in fact I know, that I have fallen in love and if our paths would have been laid down more parallel than perpendicular than perhaps I too, would be destined for a life with a beautiful girl.
My dream demands a lot from me, and I do not believe I am selfish enough of a person to try and allow another person to be affected in the negative way that a relationship would bring. I could not give the attention that is needed, or could I put in the sufficient amount of effort of keeping another person happy when I seem to find a hard enough time keeping myself content. And it’s a lot easier for me to forgive myself than another person, because I know exactly why I’m doing the things I’m doing. And what if, somehow I find a girl that is going into a competitive field as well and wouldn’t require the attention because they would understand, perfect that solves everything! But not really, once I’m done I believe its my calling to leave the protective bubble of the U.S. and travel to countries where they are in dire need of good medical help. Attraction in a relationship has a variable known as “proximity,” and the further away an individual is, the less powerful the bond. Now once time is added in it becomes a clear picture as to why it wouldn’t work. I’m not going to bring technology, I don’t want to lug around a laptop for video messaging because I will be somewhere that has zero power outlets.
One girl suggested that I find someone who shares the same dream, and I thought about it, and ran some scenarios such as a photographer, journalist or another physician but that would be in a perfect world, and the world I live in, is far from perfect, which is why I’m doing the things that I’m doing. It took one last engagement series for me to sit in slight jealousy before it dawned on me that it just isn’t looking like it will be for me. Let’s say that I want a relationship, I want to get married but looking at my track record, and weighing my options with consideration of my career choice it just doesn’t seem probable. Who says it would be fair for the better half anyway? She falls in love and, granted that it’s even possible; I take her half way across the world only to put her life in direct danger for the fulfillment of my own personal dreams? Naw, I don’t think I could do that either, if something were to happen there would be nothing to stop me from carrying that blame on me for the rest of my life.
My conclusion is simply that as much as I want to see my own personal children running around and soaking up new information from observing the changing world around them, I will not. I hope I’m wrong, more than anything but at the same time I would rather save a girl’s heart than to be selfish. How could I ask a girl to handle my lifestyle when most of the time I can’t even figure out how I put up with it?
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