50 Trillion Cells

50 Trillion Cells

            For those who know me, will most likely tell you that I live almost more in the future than I do the present and I generally try not to look much behind the present. Since I came to college however I feel as if I’m no longer straddling that perception of time as its safe to say I’ve been spending more time exploring potential dreams than ever before. It’s incredibly easy for a person like me, who generally spends a great deal thinking 5-10 years down the road already. With mCAT coming up, dreams of practice in Africa while trying to figure out when I will be able to find time to settle down and start a family before I am too old to participate in the growing ages of my own children I have found it not only troubling but interestingly infatuating. I dream almost every night, and I love it, I’ve been told it’s a sign of higher hormonal levels and I think that’s awesome I look forward to what my mind is going to play for me every time I lay my head on my pillow. The thing about dreams however, is that they can be both incredibly farfetched or they can be as detailed and vivid as everyday life, they will have you waking up thinking you are 100$ richer, or on better relations with a certain person. Anything outside of the present is a very dangerous place to hang around in. The present is what determined our past and is what will determine our tomorrow so it is easy to see how much importance one should put on it.

            I gain focus, my buddy is laughing at me as millions of neurons fire rampantly in my frontal lobes of my cerebrum desperately trying to re-orient my body not only with the location but the time lapse, how long was I out, 10 seconds, more than a minute? As I listen once again to my friend proclaim the same thing I’ve heard thousands of times about how I went from listening to having a completely blank stare a split second later, blah, blah, blah I don’t really listen because I already know. I zoned out, everybody zones out and everyone loves catching somebody when they are zoned out. But this time it was a very familiar daydream, one that leaves me with a slight feeling of depression. It’s common to wake up from dreams feeling down, because after-all fantasies are fantasies for a reason, they are wants that have either not been fulfilled or may never be fulfilled. But this one is different, it’s very real but yet very distant, it’s the moment in my life when I’m a father. Since these dreams I’ve now realized why I live, why I am where I am and why I do the things that I do.

            The most joy I’ve ever gotten from dreams whether they are result of REM or simply a daydream have been when I was hanging out with my future family. I’ve seen what I believe are the eyes of my future wife as well as felt the weight of my future offspring in my arms as they lay there asleep swinging from side to side. My entire body fills with joy, my chest hurts and I feel a sense of nirvana that no intoxicant or woman has ever brought me to before. Biology tells me that I have been evolved to want to reproduce as the soul reason to my existence. I agree with part of this, it makes sense to want to pass on your own genes, it’s the most physical legacy a person can leave behind – a human that is 50% them. I know it is insane to think about but I can’t stop. I want to be a teacher of my children, show them everything there is to see, open up ever door of opportunity that may be out of reach. I want them to be seekers of the truth, to ask the bigger questions because they’ve already been explained the basics. I can’t wait to watch them succeed at their own personal interests whether its music, academics, art or athletics. I wake from these dreams beaming of pride that I do not rightfully own yet.

            With this in mind I never make the statement that these are the days of our lives, these are the golden days. I’m young still and I’ve seen enough of the future to know that I have an unlimited amount of happiness yet to be released. I love life and do my best to enjoy it as thoroughly as possible without taking any day for granted but it’s reassuring to know that this is not the end. College will end and careers will begin and where most people stumble with hesitant thoughts of fear I will walk tall because it is where their uncertainty is born is where mine is diminished. I know that He has great plans for me, as he does with everyone, and in that thought is where I seek shelter for its dreams like these that keep me feeling as if my plan has only begun to be fulfilled.