The wilderness

March 22, 2010

A trip through the wilderness

            Very recently did I embark on a trek through what I have grown to love to call “the wilderness.” My youth pastor and good friend would always refer to slipping in faith as an analogy to taking a hike through the wilderness. Everybody loves it, we escape and feel good and for a small time never want to go back, and the freedom is ecstasy! The wilderness is not a good place to cruise in though. We forget about the life we should be living and focus more on escaping reality. All of us go on these walks, and they can be short walks of a few days or weeks, sometimes they are very long, multiple months maybe even a year or longer! The tricky thing about the wilderness, if you’ve ever gone camping without any instruments and attempt to “get lost” you will understand that the further you walk in an unknown direction, the harder its going to be to get back.

            My vacation lasted around 6 months or so. A very good friend of mine helped me out of the wilderness after I was incredibly lost for over a year. I changed a lot and when she found me I was a complete wreck, but she said she wanted to help me because she sincerely believed that I was a better person than what I was showing and that I she believed I wanted to change back for the better. We talked every week and I was going to church until I stopped due to work conflicts, and then hung over Sunday mornings and a girlfriend added to it. I quickly should have realized that without church it’s very easy to wander without a guided course off the trail and into the woods. Before I knew it, I was back in the wilderness, this time for about 6 months. Fortunately I had not changed very much and it was just a quick reorganization of my priorities to set me back on track. I’m not out of the wilderness. But I’m facing the right direction to find my way back to the path where I wandered. It will take some time but as I was worshiping today I realized how much things have changed and for a short period I felt like I was next to Him again, just singing and spilling my heart for Him and I no longer cared who was around me, who could hear, what was going on in my life, I was in a serene environment like swimming underwater but not having to hold your breath.

            I found myself reading some of my older writings, not out of an egotistical point of view but because I don’t write for only other people, I am usually writing for myself, and then I make it public in case someone else is going through the same emotional ride and hopefully I can help them through my words. But I sort of needed a kick in the ass to say it harshly. And never have I been so happy to receive it. The wilderness can be tempting and look like a grand time but there’s much more happiness to be made where you are right now. I love my life and I always have but I want to make sure that I become the man that God wants me to become and it goes for everyone else, sometimes we just get a little off track and that’s OK! As long as we find our way back than there hopefully is little harm done. I don’t want to go back in, I don’t want to wander off, my goal is to make it home for the summer in good, strong faith and continue that on through to the next semester, I know I can do it and I have excellent friends all over the U.S. that I know I can rely on without hesitation.

            I feel as if a giant boulder was lifted off my chest today. It kind of points to the irony of the whole “freedom” feeling when in reality I was carrying a much heavier load than I am now. This is probably because I’m asking God to help now, He was always there, and just was waiting to pull over and give him the keys for awhile, and remember that I belong in the passenger seat and if I insist on driving than I better bring my GPS (God’s Planned System) along with me to make sure I don’t take a wrong turn along the journey.