First week of class

         It's a weird feeling stepping on to campus for the start of my final year at UH-Manoa. I remember the first time I came here 4 years ago with my family. I was so young and thought I knew so much. Now, with much more knowledge I introspect with quite the opposite view point in knowing that I have so much still to learn! I have loved my stay so far here in the lovely valley of Manoa and thinking about how quickly the first 3 years flew by almost scares me. I am very excited for my last year; as much as I love UHM, I'm very excited to graduate. I am no where near done with school so I'm anxious to get my undergrad out of the way and to hopefully start Medical school next fall.

         The first week of class is always exciting, it's the best to see old friends that come back from the mainland and outer islands for the year of classes. As I walk around campus it's comical to see the mixture of expressions on everyone's face. First years walk around with big smiles and their campus maps as they enjoy their first experiences on campus. Transfers walk around gleaming at all the features of a new campus including it's unique food, plant life, people and weather. The Veterans however, a little less cheery. They drag their feet between classes, conditioned to the beauty of the campus and immediately spring to life at the sight of a good friend they haven't seen since May. 

        My first-first week on campus was exhilarating! I remember meeting so many people, always fumbling around in my backpack to find my class schedule while simultaneously interpreting the campus map. Everything was so foreign to me and I couldn't get enough! This was also the first time I experienced a steak plate lunch, (note: if you haven't gotten one from campus yet, go get one ASAP!) it was love at first site. Coming from South Dakota, I'm used to eating my fair share of steak and potatoes; however the steak, rice and mac salad combo was a paradise in itself for my taste buds.

        The only downside to the first week of classes - besides the whole 'going to class again' reality - is all the lines. Line to get your textbooks, food, validate ID. They are so hectic as well as frustrating if you only have an hour break and don't want to risk being late for your next class so you have to keep putting off these essentials until the lines slowly fade away towards the end of the week.

         All in all though first week is always grand. Nothing can beat reuniting with a bunch of friends and talk story and share laughs while catching up!

The Heart vs The Brain

March 15, 2011

Heart vs Brain

What is the most important organ in the human body? Through a physicians point of view it would be argued between the brain and the heart. Only the death of these organs alone will determine whether or not a patient is alive or dead. One could argue the death of the brain reigns over the heart because it is only here where a heart can be harvested for donation so surely this would result in higher importance. The heart and the brain are very intimately related to one another, the heart pumps 30% of the blood straight up to feed the brain with nutrients. As stated earlier, only the death of one of these organs will result in the death of you, nothing else.

            Personally, I love the brain. It is as mysterious as it is powerful. Knowledge can reign king, in our world. When we have only scratched the surface on what is yet to learn in neurology it becomes one of the last frontiers next to space in which we actually know more about than the exact organ enabling us to think! However, I’m going to agree with an outside source and go against the brain when answering which is most important. What outside source am I going off of that could disagree with all the positive evidence of endless potential I’ve just described? The bible. I have written before about the heart. And many times I’ve connected the heart, mind and tongue together. But only the heart remains in sanctity within the text of the bible. Wisdom is often ridiculed, not for any reason other than the dependence upon your own humanly understanding. How can we understand something that is vaster than our universe? Something that is greater than our own perception of infinity? “Proverbs 2:6,10 For the Lord grants wisdom…For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will fill you with joy.” Once again we gain wisdom not in our minds but in our hearts.

            Luke 6:46 proclaim, “…Whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” So why trust our brains when we walk around day to do when we should be instead guided by our hearts? As I previously wrote, “Our minds don’t hurt when we are betrayed and sad, it is our heart that feels the pain, and it becomes our heart that we must attend to…”

            I write this because lately I’ve been reluctant to trust my heart. For someone who has always gone with his mind it becomes pretty difficult to make this kind of transition. I used to be so prideful to say that I was a realist and could see through the junk of shallow desires and dreams. However, it wasn’t until I started reading the writings of King Solomon did I realize how similar him and I were. For those who haven’t read Ecclesiastes, King Solomon wrote it as he searched for happiness. I realized back in high school that the pursuit of happiness was grossly perverted to the point where no one was ever happy. Everyone wanted some “big” event in his or her day in order to make it a better day. Solomon realized too that a life without God was meaningless. Enjoy the feeling of the sun on your face because soon you will grow old and blind, and the feeling will slowly subside until you are nothing more than dust and returned back to the earth. It seems pretty dreary right? However there is something beautiful to be found in the midst of this desolate thought. The answer to many things in fact was just answered. If you aren’t living for God than why are you living? The wise are born and die the same as the foolish, the rich become dust no different than the homeless.

            Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless; it is like chasing the wind (Ecclesiastes 6:9). Don’t desire what your mind wants but rather you’re heart. It is this reason that I don’t believe one can feel love without believing in God. How can you? Why would a person who doesn’t believe because ‘science’ doesn’t support or because ‘God allowed evil events to occur’ ever agree to feel happiness or love or sadness? If you that mock my faith are so wise than it should be you, not I, to inform you that you are not happy but merely getting an adequate amount of serotonin absorbed between your neurological synapses… perhaps you aren’t sad but just have an imbalance of dopamine? What meaning do you have in this life without these feelings?  Perhaps this is a very bold thing to ask, to assume that God created feelings and that nonbelievers cannot feel love, happiness or sadness. No, it is not this statement that I am making but merely pointing out the science behind what we perceive as something else. You can create emotions and sell them in a pill but you can’t amplify them with the same magnitude as God intended.

            Norepinephrine, serotonin, dopamine are all used in the upper brain when considering the physiological events of mood regulation. So how can I displace them? With such proof, and a refusing to deny their physiological roles than how can one say otherwise? I can answer both questions with one myself: where do you find happiness? What organ must you give peace before the pain will cease? The heart doesn’t rely on dopamine to beat blood, just as the heart doesn’t rely on serotonin to cure heartbreak.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do. Only through our heart will we find peace, and through our heart we will connect with God. It quickly becomes clear that it is our heart that is the gateway to joy. The invisible strings that connect us to everything in the world is really our innate ability to feel God. Why else would we feel so close to spring rain, or the giant mountains, or the tiny bird hopping along with a broken wing? Our minds aren’t urging us to go forward and help, we get pulled by our chest, by the strings connecting us to everything. These invisible strings are all part of the promise, the promise that God will never leave us; he created us in his image so therefore he must exist in all of us. We all share the power to love, and it’s exactly this that breaks down all barriers of true happiness. He isn’t sitting in a throne with a window that sees all; He is active in our lives, all of our lives. He is exactly the strings that pulls on our hearts, and it’s exactly this that gives us pain, because when God hurts we hurt, he doesn’t watch us cry but he cries as well. It is this reason that we receive wisdom first in our hearts, because who else should give wisdom but the wisest of them all? This is why we have heartbreak, because people like me have a hard time giving up the driving wheel, we’d rather lead with our minds rather than our heart, and when we don’t listen to our hearts we are choosing simultaneously ignore Him.

Coincidences

Coincidences                                                                                                                                            March 9, 2011

It has come to my realization recently that I do not believe in coincidences. In fact I hate the idea, as well as spelling the word out on paper. A coincidence is a striking occurrence of two or more events at a time apparently by mere chance. Chance, defined as something that wasn’t meant to be. For me, faith destroys the idea of chance. It prohibits the possibility of a coincidence. These divine moments can be broken down into two possible categories either it’s a divine moment between you and God, or it’s a temptation - a trap. The interpretation of the event is the most crucial part. Sometimes we walk through life trying to hear Him talk and we ignore the little signs such as these. Do not think “whoa that was crazy, because I was just thinking…” You were meant to think and hear/see what you did. But be careful and think ahead, if this is something that is going to bring you long-term happiness or just a one day smile? Here is when the heart becomes our most valuable tool. Listen to it, because it is here that will bring you peace. Do not think with you’re mind, does your head hurt when you are betrayed or when you lose someone close? No, it is your heart that you must give peace so it should be the heart that you listen to in times like these. Your mind has been cluttered by the nonsense of yesterday and your eyes and ears have seen and heard the perverse actions of today while your tongue stays alert and quick to betray your heart, but patient stays the most important of them all. And this is why you have heart break, because finally when everything else has its way and the outcome isn’t pleasing it’s your heart that cries out, not to anyone else but to yourself, pleading that you will start to listen.

I have finally started to listen not to my thoughts but to the more profound. And it is here where I have found peace, and it is only recently that I have started to seek a truer happiness. It all started when I decided to listen and not allow myself to believe in the coincidence but the higher meaning. For every negative particle in the universe there is a positive. Everything was created with it’s equal and it is here that I seek the reason behind these events and there is only one answer that doesn’t crumble to any test and that’s faith alone. With faith comes a ripple effect, one that will taken you to such a place that you will never again question where you are or why you are here. You will not be just another person lost within an ocean of people searching for something shallow that has just as much a chance of ending in failure as it does success. Instead go listen and wait, allow your heart to guide you to what is right. If you first please your heart your life will be happier, and don’t fret if you can’t imagine it, because we weren’t designed to imagine the future but rather only glimpse of it. (Philippians 4:7 - If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.) What fun would the journey be if you already knew how to get from point A to B? Trust that here you will be happier than you previously thought. Faith will bring you to where you need to be, and once you are there you will want nothing else because finally with peace your heart will dance to the rhythm of the inaudible song that connects all things. 

A Prophetic Prayer

“Excuse me.” Said a short brown skinned woman, whom I later found to be named Maria.

“Yes?” I respond, as I waited patiently for my roommate to finish talking with an older gentleman after the service so that we could go home, I was in no rush at all.

“I’m sorry, but I feel drawn to you, and I was wondering if you’ve ever heard of a prophetic prayer, and if you will allow me to perform one on you.”

“Ummm no I don’t really know what you are talking about, but sure.” As I stood hesitantly looking at the tall man who I believe was named Ben or Brent.

“Ok so how this is going to work, is I’m going to place my hand on your heart and pray out loud to God, I really feel like you are in need to hear Him today. Please don’t be afraid, sometimes I sway and move, it is natural when I become a channel.”

Then it started, the swaying and chanting just as she had said. I won’t lie, I thought this was going to be one of those things that I see on tv where there is a pastor chanting over an individual standing up and then suddenly at the end they yell and bam, the individual falls helplessly backwards only to be caught by strategically placed people. I’ve never been into that sort of thing but I have heard, and do believe that the Lord does some mysterious things through prayer, including speaking ancient tongues and that sort of gig.

My life was rocked within 30 seconds, and the sort of goofy thing, is that I felt as if, regardless of how greatly the words affected me, maybe it was because I didn’t show it, but I felt at the end as if Maria was unsatisfied but still happy at the same time. She asked if I had ever given my life to Christ in which I responded yes and told her how I’ve been wavering with my relationship with God for quite some time now. Before I get into the details let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a Christian, and like all followers, I stumble. A lot. Regardless I’ve been blessed to have heard some pretty awesome messages and been given a wonderful memory so I tend to catch myself and sort of guide my way back from it all. During this moment in my life was one of those cases. I had started to really like a girl who was religious, and I was so happy to have finally found someone like her and just as I was getting excited, things fell through. Just because my life seemed to fall apart I still had the sense to know that I must continue rebuilding my relationship with the One who loves me the most, and that was exactly why I was in church that day. To feel my Savior and be in a community of believers who shared with my yearning for Him.

“ I’m seeing a smiley face. Not just a smiley face but rather a yellow one, the same kind that your elementary teachers would put on your paper before they gave it back to you. Does this have any significance to you?”

All I could do was nod, as I closed my eyes and imagined exactly what she was telling me, too afraid to open my mouth for I was not sure if I could even make a sound.

“God is trying to give you this sticker Mason, He wants you to know that you are doing good. He is smiling down upon your life and wants you to know that he is so happy and proud of you. He wants to give you this smiley sticker, not for a good job on an assignment but rather for how you are doing right now in your life, to tell you that you are exactly where you need to be and He is so happy for you.”

Anyone else would find this rather anticlimactic, which is why I said that I felt as if Maria wasn’t as satisfied with the outcome as I was. My entire motive for life, everything that I’ve done so well to bottle up in side me just came out and it wasn’t my tongue that spoke the words of blasphemy towards my secret. Yet still no one listening in would be any the wiser, it was truly a moment between our God and myself, a moment that I am choosing to share with you. I, for the first time in awhile, felt like running. Running long and far away in order to escape the cars, the people, and the world. I wanted to be alone, on a ridge over looking the world so that here I could talk with my Creator just as He talked with my ancestors long before. I didn’t want to hold in my happiness and excitement yet as calmly as I could I thanked Maria and Ben/Brent who wished me a good day and hoped to see me the next week. Unfortunately I have not gone back to that church, I believe God has sent me to my new church for a reason and I plan to become a member of this other community for my own personal reasons. It is insane how He can design a message to be spoken that is so direct and personalized to so many different situations that we walk away knowing that that message was meant for me, maybe a few others but with out a doubt He wanted me to be in this geographic location at this exact moment in time on this date.

Before I continue to rant about His impeccable timing, which we have all heard a million times before and hopefully all believe in its truth, I will start to explain myself. This is going to be a very personal piece of writing but there is no way to relay the power of a prophetic prayer than to give part testimony simultaneously. So here it is.

I am a perfectionist. When I was little I always put my toys back whenever I was done playing with them. I cried when I got my hands dirty, and to this day I hate the feeling of being dirty (weird that I did concrete construction for 8 summers full time ya?). Before I entered school I could read, with great thanks to my older sister Megan. And before I knew math I was discovering basic mathematical sequences and giving them to my mother to show the math teacher whom she worked with. I was so thirsty for knowledge that I wanted nothing more than to know more, and to one day, know the most. So it wasn’t a surprise during kindergarten screening when they handed out gold stars, that I wanted to achieve one from each station, which I did. This year my mother said the lady told her that in a given exercise where the child is given blocks and asked how many different arrangements can be made, the lady was shocked by how much more I had made than anyone else. Naturally, I sought the “good job” sticker throughout elementary school. I increased my reading level to above high school and did everything I could to stay as far ahead as I could. It is only here, that I could find happiness. I feared that someone would know more trivia than I did, that someone else would become the “smart kid.”

After elementary school, my outlook shifted, more from educational to social. I still had aspirations of attending an east coast college, but no longer felt the need to go above the call of the teachers to learn. I was in coast mode, which to this day sickens me, but lasted all the way until my sophomore year of college. In my life, I seek approval. I love to help people because when I help them, they look to me for future needs. If I’m needed in the future than I’m needed in their life, which means I’ve been approved at their standard. It, like most things in life, was never black and white, it changed case by case, but regardless I was never able to escape my desire for perfection. In high school it continued on to be the perfect person, someone who was exceptional in everything. A Leonardo Da Vinci as some would say, a renaissance man who could do amazing feats in a variety of unrelated tasks. To this day, I still have a strong attraction to that idea. Often imitated, never duplicated. This quickly became my life motto so to speak.

Hopefully now, the smiley sticker presented to me by God is starting to show you some relevance for my emotional state. Many people know that I am a perfectionist and I do not hide this. But I try to only joke about the idea of being as perfect a human being as I can. I often think of the teachings I’ve been told, “and go forth and live your life in the image of Jesus, strive to live that perfect life…” And not until recently when I was indulging myself with the Word did I start to realize that God does not care about the wisdom of this world and that He may come down at any time and mock those who think they are wise for it is only through Him that one may become truly wise. Only those who look to satisfying the wishes of the world will be but fools in the eyes of the Lord for the wise will look to Him to satisfy wishes. I have made the realization that I was indeed living for man, and not for God. I wanted so badly to satisfy and be accepted by everyone else that I wasn’t even concerned for the one who was satisfied the entire time. I will still try and be the best at everything I do, for it is in my nature and blood to pursue perfection, however I will now strive at this goal from a different viewpoint. Instead of aspiring to be the best because of what others will think I want to earn something much greater than all the gold and diamonds of this world could offer. I want to earn the smiley sticker from the One who laid the path for my mother and father to meet, the One who guided me 4000 miles away from everything I was once familiar with, the One who knows every star by name. It is for Him that I continue to pursue perfection, but because of Him, my thoughts are no longer a disease but rather a blessing. Romans 12: 6-8, Paul tells us to go out and do what God has given us the gifts to do, if its to serve than serve happily, if it is teaching, teach well, if God has given you the gift of leadership, than take the responsibility seriously…

I hope that you all will introspect and see what God has blessed you with. For no one person is equal in strengths and this is for a reason. So that we can have teachers, and servants and people to share kindness, people to lead us, and the list goes on. I pray that you will find your gifts and use them for His purpose, for it’s this purpose that we will make Him smile.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him” 1 Corinthians 2:9 Just a verse that I read recently and felt like sharing J

What do we really want?

What do we really want?                                                                                    February, 11 2011

            Why do lighters exist? Why do we act so crazy during certain times of our life? Why do we eat food that has been completely shredded by a machine and smashed back together? The answer to all these questions as well as many more can be simply put, “because something motivated us to do that, obtain it, crave it.” Man was cold, and so he captured fire and protected it with all of his will. The woman wanted to have a baby so she wouldn’t lose the man she loved, so she stabbed a pregnant lady and tried to steal her baby (its happened google it!). I was hungry and I didn’t have very much money, so I went to the same fast food taco joint and ordered the same 5 tacos, always no lettuce though.

            Motivation is the most powerful tool one can possess. It separates leaders from followers as well as great leaders from mediocre. It propels success in every definition of the word. Inventors envision a better, possibly easier tomorrow. So my question to you, is how come motivation has such a powerful influence over our lives? Now, there are a wide variety of answers that could be spilling out your mouths but one that I would like to emphasize is the desire of wanting. We want an easier life, we want food quick and now, we want to be warm, and we want to be happy. It is just this that creates peace, and on the other end destroys countless lives in war.

            My challenge to you is to answer this question, what do you want? For some it could be easy, but then again if it’s that easy then chances are good that the want is something materialistic or shallow. I want a boyfriend that cares, I want to get into medical school, I want to see my family, or I want to be done with school. I don’t mean to step on any toes by saying the above list is of shallow intent but before you jump out of your seat or stop reading try stimulating yourself. By this, I mean your brain, allow yourself to have a ‘mindgasm’ where you release everything and you truly start to critically think about something. Once this is achieved our wants may become much more profound and yet at the same time, more primitive in action.

            Happiness, security, a healthy family, acceptance, longevity of life, the competency to forgive… some of these may start to pop into your mind. They are all simple ideas that people seek everyday. However these ideas, though so simple, start to deform and become so perverted that it becomes hard to figure out the root of the desire. When this happens, an invisible wall is constructed, creating ignorance between our subconscious and us. Stop here and consider what I just said, ignorance is being built between you and your own wants. The concept is simple, there is a lot of actions that we do that we are completely oblivious to, such as eating with our mouths open, smirking inappropriately, body language, the list can go on and on. The concern is when it moves from a physical habit to a mental habit.

            I want to help people, I always have and I always will; however my want to help people does not come from the mere act of helping out, but from a much more powerful selfish feeling. My want is to be accepted, and I feel accepted when I help people. When you genuinely help someone out they give you a smile that is so true and honest that it makes the hairs on your neck stand as goosebumps form on your arms. It makes you smile in return and in that moment in time you are accepted as respectful member to society. It is here, as well as countless more, that motivation can change lives. Motivation can change the world by rewriting the future so that the past doesn’t continue to be so horrible.

            So what do you want? In my quest for happiness, one of my many other root-wants, I search women. It is here that I find a different form of happiness, one that calms my restless brain and tears down the idea of being alone. Along my path, and its been quite the rollercoaster, I have found a very interesting reoccurrence. For the first time, I even warned the individual not to fall into what has become such an unintentional trap. Through my observations I have come to one solid consensus, and that is simply that people, not just girls, do not know what they truly want. For my supporting evidence I am going to use girls, please do not get the idea that I am referring to only girls or even emphasizing something towards girls, it simply has become the bulk of my studies.

            The said reoccurrence of which I am referring to is one of obligation. Girls say what they want, and claim that it is not out there but in reality it becomes more of a fact of avoidance. I am still without a doubt ignorant to the entire thought process behind any of this. I simply just observe the emotional process from the beginning to the end. It starts out the same every time with a girl who smiles and as I said earlier, I feel the motivation to recreate the smile as often as possible. If she’s smiling than I’m smiling, and if we are both smiling than obviously something is right. I’m a little different, but definitely not abnormal. I have a future planned out and a realistic dream that happens to not be self-centered. This combination is golden to pick up girls. The reason why I’m writing this, is clearly because my intent was completely the opposite. I tell of my ambitions, not to get into their pants but to allow them to see a side of me that would otherwise be invisible.

I am 100% in support of profound conversation because it honestly builds a connection that can withstand a lot of destruction. However, that topic is a completely separate piece of writing and if you wish to discuss about that more, feel free to let me know.

 I love humans; I desire that deeper connection that is only achieved by opening up and revealing your raw, honest thoughts. The same thoughts, which define who we are. Back to the topic, I allow them to see my future. In doing so, it paints a beautiful picture of security, happiness and serenity. I know this, because it’s my dream I spend loads of time thinking about it because it feels less stressful than my life now. So as I start to get to know the girl I start to become fearful that she is interested in the wrong guy. “You have everything figured out, you are set, blah blah blah.” But the truth couldn’t be farther away. I don’t have everything figured out, there are still hundreds of hurdles between where I am at now and where I WANT to be. So I even began to give warning, that my life is a complete mess, my thought processes are entangled with frayed out nerve endings that resemble a city after a tornado just hit. And before I can convince them otherwise, it happens.

Now towards the end of the process it becomes easy to figure out if you know what signs to look for. Body language is key to predicting any situation and unfortunately I’ve become pretty decent at this, sometimes desired, art form. I say unfortunately because of the same reason why people respond with “no” when asked if they could find out their exact day of death, would they want to know. It sucks to be able to see and envision the entire conversation before it plays out which sounds something like, “I know you are the person I should be with, but for some reason I don’t want to, I can’t, I’m sorry.” The above conclusion to the relationship, regardless of length, is the one that infuriates me the most yet intrigues me just as much. The feeling of anger is quite obvious as I’ve described in the paragraph above but the response intrigues me because of the thought of desire. “I should like you, but I can’t/won’t/don’t.” This same statement has allowed me to build up a lot of resentment towards girls that say, “Guys in the movies don’t really exist.” Perhaps they don’t exist because they have gotten the same response I have. The only reason why I don’t change is because like I said, I don’t say the things I say to pick up girls, I’m not that pathetic, or at least sometimes I like to believe so.

I know of a few more examples of people rejecting something that is easily seen as beneficial to an outside party. But that isn’t the point of me writing. The entire motive for me to write this is based off of the idea of hidden motivation. What then, do girls really want, do guys really want? Could it be simply enough that I just randomly stumble across girls with similar interests and wants? I doubt it; there are far too many discrepancies both in geographic location as well as ethnically for me to hold much belief in that probability. I know the motivation exists, I just can’t find the root because nobody has allowed me enough insight but some day or perhaps never will I figure out why people say/do the things they do.

I’m duly sorry if you developed hopes of finding out more about motivation than what I can offer but if that’s what you are feeling at this point than I am sorry to inform that the entire point was clearly missed by your perception. It was not the root of the motivation I was seeking, no, for that is way too complex and is grossly inappropriate to label even two people with the same motives. Rather, I was hoping to give you further insight to why people do things that seem strange, the answer is of course motivation, the drive that makes them want whatever it is that they want. We may never find out exactly what it is but it can be seen clearly in our lives. You can’t be upset with it, and you may not understand it, but one thing that must be done is the acceptance of it.

            Humans are very complex animals that behave completely out of sync with any biologist’s statistical behavior equations. Its because we have more than a biological desire, we see that there is more to life than mere physiological needs of eating and sleeping. We give up sleep to do well on an exam; we give up our need for eating food when we are sad (others may increase their intake of food). And before I let you go, I suppose its only fair to say what my most powerful motivator/desire/want is… and that’s the fear of failure. It completely shapes my life and attitude everyday, the fear that if I don’t take classes seriously I may fail the MCAT, or during experience, if I forget something, even as minor as a common symptom, it could kill someone. “What you don’t know, won’t kill you.” However, in my career aspirations, it might not kill me, but it COULD kill someone else. I’m not going to allow that to happen quite so easily.

            

A Starry Ocean

January 8, 2011

A Starry Ocean

After more than 20 trips across the largest ocean on our planet I never noticed until now how beautiful of a scene the ocean can be from 38,000 feet. I don’t know if it was my particularly relaxed state of mind that is resulted from the effect of finishing a book or perhaps it’s the opposite. After zero sleep perhaps, as its been noted throughout history that people often see the obvious only once they exhaust their brain to the point where merely the simplicity of beauty can be seen.

            People say the sky is blue because it reflects the ocean; although this statement is grossly wrong, it is the reason why I write this. The sky and the ocean. The Pacific Ocean is the largest body of water. Incredible is its vastness, as equally dangerous, it is beautiful.  From 38,000 feet it looks as calm as a two-dimensional picture of different hues of blue. Each cloud casts its own unique shade down upon the ocean’s surface. Beyond this, if you focus on the smaller details you can see the white heads of the sea, indicated that it is more than a flat blue slate. These dots are of most interest to me. Each white speck different from the next, some bigger, some more vividly white. Then, it hit me. I was looking at the most beautiful of starry nights but from a most unique perception. It was as if there was a point where the mirror starts and I could look down and see the most gorgeous art work and then wait until sundown simply to adjust my gaze upward for the same artwork, just on a different canvas.

The sight from the plane brings about the familiar sense of feeling small when contemplating the awesome view so far below me. It’s sights like these that God reminds me of His presence everywhere. Only once you strip everything away are you able to revert back to the raw beauty of it all. Many of us live a lifestyle pursuing perfection. What is more perfect than nature? Evolution has taken away errors and flaws making each event perfectly perfect for that moment in time. A few of nature’s treasures including ecosystems, vast oceans, sunsets, a clear night sky illuminated by the moon alone all perfect in their own setting. All these speak countless stories, stories of the most courageous, bold, beautiful and love. It becomes sad only when we as individuals, condition ourselves to such events. No longer is our appreciation given to such simple, yet powerful views. Hope can be found in knowing that these said events can be seen at any moment.

            Knowing that happiness is constantly at our disposal allows us to forever have hope. Hope leads to faith which then, and only then, allows the invisible to come to light, the inaudible become detectable, and the restlessness of our hearts relax

The Moon

The moon

“We must strive to be like the moon.” In the book A long way gone by Ishmael Beah his grandmother continues on to explain what this statement means in respect to people always needing to be on their best behavior and to be good to others. “She said that people complain when there is too much sun and it gets unbearably hot, and also when it rains too much or when its cold. But, she said, no one grumbles when the moon shines. Everyone becomes happy and appreciates the moon in their own special way. Children watch their shadows and play in its light, people gather at the square to tell stories and dance through the night. A lot of happy things happen when the moon shines. These are some of the reasons why we should want to be like the moon.”

This is one of my most favorite passages that I have ever read. The analogy is beautiful! So often do we find ourselves complaining just as the grandmother proclaims. Not talking about weather, we can look at each of our lives and apply it to when we lose our tempers with people around us. Think about a day at work or in your apartment with your roommates or perhaps simply spending time with friends. We all eventually have our bad days or moments where we seem to be more irritable than normal. So we complain, “there’s nothing to do” or “how long are we going to be here, I want to leave.” Perhaps its just that we get short with our own neighbors feeling upset with an action they did and as you spend your time cleaning their left over dishes from the previous night we tend to think about a simpler life with roommates more like ourselves.

            It’s hard to imagine us as the antagonist of others’ thoughts. We never put ourselves in that position where our friends are getting short with us because of some small mistake we may have made. In reality we are all that person, some more than others but nonetheless we have all been that person and we will all be that person again. I think that if we follow the advice of this elderly woman from Kabati, life could be a little more enjoyable for everyone.

            Transform yourself, by loving our God with every cell in our body and then going forth and loving our neighbor the SAME we can achieve the status of the moon. People will dance in your presence and plaster smiles across their faces when you walk in the room. Children will climb on you begging to play as people sense something unique once He radiates from within you. Become forever changed and become something much greater. Proverbs 17:3 “Fire tests the purity of silver and gold but the Lord tests the heart.” Become like the moon and purify your heart. The simple act of loving can fortify relationships and lift us to a higher level we’ve never felt before. Jesus was often quoted in the bible for commanding his disciples to “go and do likewise,” whenever he finished telling them a story of a righteous act.

            So go out and do likewise, live not only for Him but also live as He would live. Love unconditionally, Forgive immediately, seek Wisdom over Wealth and most importantly have Faith in his guidance.

The wilderness

March 22, 2010

A trip through the wilderness

            Very recently did I embark on a trek through what I have grown to love to call “the wilderness.” My youth pastor and good friend would always refer to slipping in faith as an analogy to taking a hike through the wilderness. Everybody loves it, we escape and feel good and for a small time never want to go back, and the freedom is ecstasy! The wilderness is not a good place to cruise in though. We forget about the life we should be living and focus more on escaping reality. All of us go on these walks, and they can be short walks of a few days or weeks, sometimes they are very long, multiple months maybe even a year or longer! The tricky thing about the wilderness, if you’ve ever gone camping without any instruments and attempt to “get lost” you will understand that the further you walk in an unknown direction, the harder its going to be to get back.

            My vacation lasted around 6 months or so. A very good friend of mine helped me out of the wilderness after I was incredibly lost for over a year. I changed a lot and when she found me I was a complete wreck, but she said she wanted to help me because she sincerely believed that I was a better person than what I was showing and that I she believed I wanted to change back for the better. We talked every week and I was going to church until I stopped due to work conflicts, and then hung over Sunday mornings and a girlfriend added to it. I quickly should have realized that without church it’s very easy to wander without a guided course off the trail and into the woods. Before I knew it, I was back in the wilderness, this time for about 6 months. Fortunately I had not changed very much and it was just a quick reorganization of my priorities to set me back on track. I’m not out of the wilderness. But I’m facing the right direction to find my way back to the path where I wandered. It will take some time but as I was worshiping today I realized how much things have changed and for a short period I felt like I was next to Him again, just singing and spilling my heart for Him and I no longer cared who was around me, who could hear, what was going on in my life, I was in a serene environment like swimming underwater but not having to hold your breath.

            I found myself reading some of my older writings, not out of an egotistical point of view but because I don’t write for only other people, I am usually writing for myself, and then I make it public in case someone else is going through the same emotional ride and hopefully I can help them through my words. But I sort of needed a kick in the ass to say it harshly. And never have I been so happy to receive it. The wilderness can be tempting and look like a grand time but there’s much more happiness to be made where you are right now. I love my life and I always have but I want to make sure that I become the man that God wants me to become and it goes for everyone else, sometimes we just get a little off track and that’s OK! As long as we find our way back than there hopefully is little harm done. I don’t want to go back in, I don’t want to wander off, my goal is to make it home for the summer in good, strong faith and continue that on through to the next semester, I know I can do it and I have excellent friends all over the U.S. that I know I can rely on without hesitation.

            I feel as if a giant boulder was lifted off my chest today. It kind of points to the irony of the whole “freedom” feeling when in reality I was carrying a much heavier load than I am now. This is probably because I’m asking God to help now, He was always there, and just was waiting to pull over and give him the keys for awhile, and remember that I belong in the passenger seat and if I insist on driving than I better bring my GPS (God’s Planned System) along with me to make sure I don’t take a wrong turn along the journey.

The future (poem)

October 26, 2010

Someday I won’t be here

You may knock on my door

Or hit up my phone

But only blissful silence

Will answer the call

And I will be far, far away

You won’t be able to reach me

Finally on this day

Far, far away

I will be able to exhale

What I entail behind this poem:

I’m here for a purpose, and that purpose is to help people. Therefore I cannot afford to be static, I must constantly be learning, progressing and someday I will become a doctor. I would like to do something similar if not join the foundation “doctors without boarders.” I really believe this is and has always been my calling in life and I can’t think of anything I’d rather do. So someday I will no longer be in the U.S. I will be very far away and when this day comes I will finally be living my dream that the greatest of Architects has drawn up for me. And on this day I will finally be able to exhale because this part of my journey will have then been met. I can’t wait, and I will of course be back. I want a family more than anything (possibly take my wife with me if the situation arises). But I must take this one step at a time and someday my dream will be accomplished and I can go forth with other dreams and continue helping people in whatever way I can. And perhaps someday I will be able to relax again, but rarely do I convince myself that there is time to enjoy what God has given me. My brain is a unique part of me that rarely slows down and would rather keep pointing toward the future, toward undiscovered ground and opportunities that I have yet to find. With constant worry for my loved ones I look forward to moments like the one I wrote about where I can finally exhale and tell myself “good job, you did it!”

The Dream

            My entire life, I’ve heard amazing stories of inspiration, of people growing up in the projects to escape the stereotype because they had a dream. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, and he made it come true by using his words as a new form of action that was not new but still rarely seen in his day in time. Coming to Hawaii I have been exposed to almost every ethnical background as I could have ever imagined and at times, being a white male, I feel insignificant. My cultural sense lacks for sure, I don’t really have any cool traditions or food to add to the salad and I feel as if people look at me as a bland person who wouldn’t understand the first thing about cultural pride. One of these said things is the abundance of money and lack of ability to dream. I hate it, I’ve had a guy tell me that it’s rare for Hawaiians like himself to live in the location where he’s from, but my parents could easily come out and buy a house. I told him his statement was very doubtful and shallow and he was surprised to find out I come from zero money at all.

            It’s true, I did grow up in Middle America, from a very beautiful family and though my parents both worked for everything they have today, they suppressed the same ethic onto myself. I grew up on construction sites, I had my first small plastic wheelbarrow at the age of 4 and I was being left on job sites with my uncle and my father’s employees starting as early as 5. My mother is a teacher that being said it’s logical that I grew up in a very educational setting at home. I love what my parents do but I will never do either and instead have decided to apply both into what has become a life long dream of mine.

            A part of my heart, the part that cannot be touched by external human emotion was taken from me before I was born. God placed that piece in a place that is far from normal, far from my family and far from the safety of America. That place, the last strong hold for natural, raw, beauty is also one of the most dangerous places for a white person to go, let alone any outsider.

            Africa is a continent that is rarely desired, and even more rarely carried through with the plans. It’s unforgiving, powerful, dangerous, and yet the most beautiful place that mankind has not tarnished in my eyes. It’s not a secret that I’m studying to become a doctor, many people know this, but they never have taken the time to ask ‘why’. Most will ask the common question, “What kind of Dr. do you want to be.” But that’s pretty much the extent of the conversation.

            Every year thousands of tribes and villagers in Africa go without clean water, they walk sometimes more than one mile to get dirty water. On top of this, many live in open shacks where they can be bitten by tons of bugs. There are organizations that strive to fix both of these, they raise money and send volunteers over to rural areas to dig fresh water wells and supply bed nets and by doing so they improve the health and life expectancy dramatically. The above 2 problems are only the start of a truly bleak standard of life in reflection to what people in America grow up in. I hear all the time that we shouldn’t be thinking about them when we have our own poverty in America, but I see it a little differently. American’s are protected by rights, they don’t have to worry about a rebel infantry coming and slaughtering all the men and raping the women as they steal the young boys only to give them cocaine mixed with gunpowder so they can brainwash them into being another child soldier for their “war”. American’s if need, can walk less than a mile to a public drinking fountain to obtain fresh tap water that has been filtered and passed high standards of health bars.

            When I was about 16 years old I decided I wanted to become a doctor, wasn’t ever sure, just that I wanted to be one. At first it was slightly about the money, not for myself but I vowed that I would give my future children the same opportunities that my parents gave me, and hopefully more. I want them to grow up without having to pay for their college, but still drive a good work ethic and most importantly I wanted to become a doctor that allowed me to be with my family, where I could actively participate and take them on these endeavors around the world.  As time passed, my heart started to yearn for something greater. Every time I hear an African tribal song or see something in a movie, or article or internet I get this undeniable sensation crawl up my spine trying, yearning me to go, driving my intentions always towards that one special place.

            My entire life I’ve enjoyed helping others in a positive way, in high school I would help friends if they didn’t understand a subject, in college so far I’ve lead countless study groups, helped friends pass organic chemistry and landed a job where I’ll be a paid advisor for fellow students. The feeling one gets after selflessly helping another is amazing, it’s a high that I can’t get from anything else and so I constantly alter my life so I can do it as often as possible. The non-academic part of my life has been filled with manual labor, and when I wasn’t working on job sites I was working out for sports. Both these strengths I believe have made my dream the most realistic it could ever be. I want to go to Africa and practice medicine. With the average age at around 17-18 I think there is no better candidate for help. God programmed us all differently. (Romans 12: 6-8)  God declares not only has he given us all an ability to do it well but that we shall go forth and use it as best as we were meant to do. I was born into a special place where I developed hard work ethic of manual labor from my father mixed with the fortunate intellect of a most brilliant mother, both of which have hearts of gold. It doesn’t make much sense that I was placed here for any other purpose.

            I’m going to go somewhere near the Serengeti, central Africa, where there is a vast need for help and away from the corrupted cities. I don’t want to globalize the village that allows me to stay because that is not why I’ll be there. I want to escape the corruption to the last raw beauty that hasn’t been tainted. I’d like to spend 2 years there, 1 at the least because I don’t think anything less will be long enough to build the trust I need to positively impact the people for a long period of time. I have so much to learn and I don’t see any better teacher of life than from the minds of a pure person who has lived through hardship and still smiles each morning. There is a song I wish everyone could hear, and I’m so grateful it has unofficially been announced as the 2010 World Cup anthem “Wavin’ Flag Celebration Mix – K’Naan” I listen to this song every single day. When I dream I hear this song, when I close my eyes my head dances to the rhythm and before I know it I cannot stop smiling. It brings absolute joy to my soul and I know it’s because the small part of my heart that is far away from me is briefly back, I’m whole again for that 3 minutes and 40 seconds. Nothing can bring me down and all I can do is smile because I know what He has in store for me. Every weekend that I study, every time I chose to go library instead of sleep in is because of this. It is my dream and I know that I’m in Hawaii to meet amazing people but just as importantly I’m here to study to become a doctor so that I can fulfill my dream. Without an organization, electricity, running water, or outside contact, just me, a new family and the awesome secrets of Africa awaiting to pounce down upon me. There is so much more I could tie into this, but I feel as if it is long enough so I will say goodbye. Because it is 4 in the morning and I’m going to go listen to my song, go to sleep and dream about a place that is far, far away from here…

I do not pronounce you man and wife...

I do not pronounce you…

            “Everyone is created half complete, and we must go out into the world and be brave enough to find our other half. Once we do this we allow ourselves to live life to its fullest, the way it was meant to be.”

          This quote doesn’t apply to me, in fact it may not even be a quote at all but something I wrote that I feel is familiar and of relevance. It’s good and it brings about a sense of happiness and hope, which is why I like it. Another quote that comes to mind when I think about this, “You will never get married, you can’t handle commitment with another human being for that long.” The latter of the quotes, sadly, is far more relevant to my life. I used to get upset when my friends would say things like this and it wasn’t because I ever had trouble attracting a girl, it was like they said, I had commitment issues but don’t we all? Most people resolve these issues pretty early on in life and by college have sustainable relationships when they find a genuinely good person that is ready to have a mature, lasting relationship. Why is it then that I find myself tearing down girls who want to have a mature relationship and then turn around and try and lie to other people by claiming that I don’t want a useless relationship but rather something profound.

            God didn’t create me for the kind of relationship that is also known as marriage. He created me for friendships and that’s about it. Sometimes I find myself idolizing couples whether its in person or on a social media website, constraining my brain to try and fathom the idea of love. I know what love is but I mean the kind of bond that is shared between two people, the lasting effect that has the power to keep two individuals next to each other for the remainder of their earthly lives. I start to wish that I could have that, and actually start to believe that it’s something obtainable that I could achieve. By now you may be thinking, “this is fricken pathetic, everyone can fall in love, and you just haven’t found ‘the one’ yet.” I disagree completely. I think, in fact I know, that I have fallen in love and if our paths would have been laid down more parallel than perpendicular than perhaps I too, would be destined for a life with a beautiful girl.

            My dream demands a lot from me, and I do not believe I am selfish enough of a person to try and allow another person to be affected in the negative way that a relationship would bring. I could not give the attention that is needed, or could I put in the sufficient amount of effort of keeping another person happy when I seem to find a hard enough time keeping myself content. And it’s a lot easier for me to forgive myself than another person, because I know exactly why I’m doing the things I’m doing. And what if, somehow I find a girl that is going into a competitive field as well and wouldn’t require the attention because they would understand, perfect that solves everything! But not really, once I’m done I believe its my calling to leave the protective bubble of the U.S. and travel to countries where they are in dire need of good medical help. Attraction in a relationship has a variable known as “proximity,” and the further away an individual is, the less powerful the bond. Now once time is added in it becomes a clear picture as to why it wouldn’t work. I’m not going to bring technology, I don’t want to lug around a laptop for video messaging because I will be somewhere that has zero power outlets.

            One girl suggested that I find someone who shares the same dream, and I thought about it, and ran some scenarios such as a photographer, journalist or another physician but that would be in a perfect world, and the world I live in, is far from perfect, which is why I’m doing the things that I’m doing. It took one last engagement series for me to sit in slight jealousy before it dawned on me that it just isn’t looking like it will be for me. Let’s say that I want a relationship, I want to get married but looking at my track record, and weighing my options with consideration of my career choice it just doesn’t seem probable. Who says it would be fair for the better half anyway? She falls in love and, granted that it’s even possible; I take her half way across the world only to put her life in direct danger for the fulfillment of my own personal dreams? Naw, I don’t think I could do that either, if something were to happen there would be nothing to stop me from carrying that blame on me for the rest of my life.

            My conclusion is simply that as much as I want to see my own personal children running around and soaking up new information from observing the changing world around them, I will not. I hope I’m wrong, more than anything but at the same time I would rather save a girl’s heart than to be selfish. How could I ask a girl to handle my lifestyle when most of the time I can’t even figure out how I put up with it?

Hula Devotion

April 6, 2010

Hula Dancer

What’s the most amazing feeling in life? If you ask 100 people you are most definitely going to get 100 different responses if you give them adequate time to ponder the question. Many people may tell you something about helping others out, little “warm fuzzies” during the day that don’t say a lot to the outsiders but means a galaxy’s worth to them. Others will tell you spending time with their soul mate. The list goes on and on, I won’t continue to bore you with rambling reasons, but there’s one feeling that I feel, in my life, trumps all others that has come through before. Have you ever watched God work through someone, whether it’s an action or a passage or anything, doesn’t even have to be through another person, but you know it when you see it ya?

I have always heard that ‘actions speak louder than words’ and I do believe this statement to be very true. It doesn’t surprise me that my new pastor, Brent, said that same phrase in his message last Sunday (April 4, 2010). When he was nearly finished an older lady came up to do a dance, a hula dance. It was a mere devotion to God and was done to a gospel song. Everything up to this point was normal, and then the music just wouldn’t play, but luckily it’s the 21^st century and she was able to grab her ipod and plug it into the system. I was expecting to be impressed; I always am with cultural dances and anything new to be honest. As soon as the song started and her front leg came forward and pointed her toe on the ground a giant smile was plastered across my face. At this point, in recollection I distinctly remembering trying to stop smiling as my cheeks started to hurt and that was when it hit me, I was genuinely smiling now. Not just a grin, but a full on giant smile you put on your face when you get that special present you wanted more than anything else in the world. I simply could not wipe it off my face. If I could describe the feeling I think it would be similar to how proud a parent feels as they watch their child perform in an art, or sporting event and all eyes are on them and they watch as their child performs flawless or not, they are always proud because they love them, unconditionally. I love the parent-child metaphor for love when I try to explain God’s love for us whether its to help my own thoughts or explain to a friend who is confused about my beliefs, I think the metaphor is the closest thing that we can find here on earth.

For me, when I talk to my Lord, or see him act through my environment in the day, I feel a very familiar chill come across me. It envelops my body and it always starts in my mid back, right between the shoulder blades and creeps up my neck where it shoots everywhere across my peripheral nervous system. Every hair follicle tingles, my arms develop goose bumps and I feel warm, as if someone poured an invisible warm liquid on me that somehow warms you up instantly but doesn’t feel wet. I don’t know how else to describe it, but whenever I feel alone I talk to Him and I know he’s listening by that chill, He’s always next to me so I know I can feel that at any moment in my life, it’s an awesome feeling like no other. When the lady was doing her dance I could feel Him in the room. Not just on me but this time it was greater, much greater. I got the same feeling I get when I stop to look at the stars, I feel humbled yet protected at the same time. It was pure beauty. I know that what I witnessed was just that, beauty in its most raw form! The feeling overwhelmed me, yet this time it lasted for the duration of the song/dance. At the end when service was over I felt myself get up and walk straight up to the lady and just tell her how beautiful it was and how grateful I felt to have witnessed such a righteous devotion.

The lady smiled at me and very modestly asked if I was a new comer for she hadn’t recognized me and invited me to go have lunch with her and a few other members of the church which I regretfully declined and went home with my friends instead. The entire service was amazing, I walked out of the longest service of the semester (2 hours) and felt as if it was 30 minutes. I didn’t care what the time was, I wanted to have more, I yearned for Him, for more time to feel so close to him, closer than I ever had before. I knew that I was ‘forever changed,’ as I sang those words in a song at the beginning of the morning. I know my life is not ever going to be the same, no matter how much time I spend ‘camping out’ in the wilderness I am me, and that is a Christian and a loyal servant to my Lord.

It’s amazing how different life is when you stop and give him the keys, not just when times get hard but rather all day everyday. For those that know me, they will tell you that I’m a control freak, I need to know what is going on, where to be and at what time. So to give up my power full time has always been a continuous struggle for me but as I learn more and more it’s become a little easier and my eyes have become more focused to see where God is, my ears a little keener to hear His words and my touch more enhanced to feel His presence next to me, every step of the way. In my journey back, back to my roots sort to speak I had to re-download the song that pushed me into Christianity back in the 7^th grade because I did not have it on my new computer. “Lift it” by Thousand Foot Krutch, I need to go back to where I came from and I need to do what I was taught by my father at the age of 12. I need to patch up my foundation, mix up some concrete and press it in the cracks to seal it up and fortify my footings so that I can stand taller than I ever have before and stronger as well. It’s harder being 4000 miles away from my best friends and fellow followers but I have full confidence that He will not only show me the way to meeting additional friends that have mutual views but also keep me on the path so that I will not wander. I have full faith that I am where I needed to be, where I can grow stronger as a Christian and eventually become the man that he created me to be.

Dogs Are The New Cats

Dogs are the new Cats…………..06/20/10

I’m a dog person, I’ve always loved dogs and in my opinion the bigger the better! Small dogs remind me too much of house cats, which I’m not too much of a fan of ;) haha. A lot of people love dogs, and that’s easily understood because a majority of these furry friends are very kind. Dog’s are servants but better yet they are one of my most favorite metaphors for the kind of love that humans only dream about having.
            For those who have a dog you will know what I’m talking about, for the unfortunate ones who don’t I’ll try my best to paint the picture. A dog will follow you around the house like you’re the most interesting person in the entire world. We leave every day for 8 hours of work and when we come home they act like you’ve been gone for 8 weeks and are just as excited to see you home as they were for the previous day and the day before that. They will cry and run away from you if you accidentally hurt them or hit/kick them if you’re that kind of owner. But the next time you call their name or walk into the room they’ve forgotten about anything you’ve done and they run to you with their tail wagging in the most forgiving way possible. A dog is a servant, and can be seen literally as a guide dog for the blind.  They will do anything to make you happy and when you are sad they too will reflect your mentality as they lay down, always close by, looking sad as well. They are the perfect servant and always at attention to your every whim.

In ancient times, Egyptians would worship cats for they saw them as divine creatures, gods in a mortal form sort to speak. The Egyptians had a lot of cool ideas but I think they just barely missed the mark on this one. Sure cats will walk around the house as if they themselves actually are gods, however they show very little divine characteristics and rather show more human emotion than divine. I mentioned earlier that a dog is a metaphor for love that we only dream about obtaining, that love is the top of the tier and it’s the only love that God gives to us, unconditional. No matter what we do here, God loves us. He loves me more than anything else, and He loves you equally, He loves the Queen of England the EXACT same and He loves the person waiting on death row as equally too. I touched upon the subject earlier when I said that you can hurt a dog and they will come back forgiving and forgetting that you had just caused them physical pain. Sure they may be more cautious or wince if you raise your hand, even non-threateningly, but they return to you with full trust and obedience because it is your love that they want more than anything. Not many people will get hurt in any way by somebody they love and turn around within 2 minutes and 100% forgive with out any condition, no terms needed to be met nor anything said – that is unconditional. I’ve had the pleasure of living with two golden retrievers and they both have been full of personality as well as concern. My new puppy, Mufasa, will follow me around no matter where I go or what I do to him. I can yell at him and pin him on the ground, physically make him cry when he bites me too hard and as soon as I walk away he jumps up and follows 1 foot behind me. Not only did these dogs reflect God’s love for me but they also truly reflect how a servant should live for his God. How I should be living for Him and not them.

Perhaps it could be easier to live more like Jesus if we had a guide outside of a written text that tells us to do so. A lot of people are visual learners and its already hard enough to just read the bible and obey. If you have a dog, take notes and do as they do with everyone around you. Practice first on your family and friends and see how radical of a change you will make in your life. It is very difficult to try and love unconditionally, possibly the most difficult thing to do is to forgive and forget 100% but we have to at least try. And once we practice a little we can then move on to other people, co-workers, classmates, anyone that we are blessed to meet in our lives here on Earth. I encourage you to go out and treat your relationships like your dog treats you, give it some time and just see how much your life can change in a positive direction.

Connections

Connections


The other day as I sat and random thoughts passed through my head from recent evenings I realized that the people I met, and have been meeting do not stick to me as well as when I used to meet people. I do not think it’s because I’m getting older and my brain is aging, I mean common, I’m only 20 lets not get too far ahead of ourselves! Rather I blame it on a lack of connection. A true encounter between two strangers. If all I do is ask a name and try to keep that then it’s going to quickly fade by the next time I see them. How do people remember each other? The easiest way to remember someone is to connect him or her to something else. Many people will always remember the guy that did something crazy at that one part that one night of that one semester, or that one girl who had a bit too much to drink and you watched her comically make a fool of herself or make an insane shot in beer pong. Either way, we remember through connections.

          I love going out, because I love to meet new people, but before I go any further I realize now that I’m meeting people but I am not ever getting to know them. Rarely do people take the time to ask more profound questions. We might scratch the surface a little deeper asking, “What is your major?” or “What kind of job do you have? Or want?” That only tells a little, I’ll give an example: I am a biology major and I want to be a doctor. That tells very little about me, one might infer that I either dream big and/or are fairly educated but that doesn’t really explain anything else. When are we going to start asking bigger questions, such as, “What are you passionate about?” “What is your drive that is propelling you down this path?” or “Are you really doing something you feel passionate for or are you sticking to something you’re good at, or perhaps is convenient for a future comfortable lifestyle?” People who know me will tell you I hate biology. I care very little about evolution, photosynthesis or the hierarchy of the food chain. Granted biology covers a lot more than that, but I am passionate about becoming a medical doctor, not the relationship between a Carbonyl group and a benzene ring when reacted with an unknown reagent. Not very many people ask me “Why?” they may go as far ask what kind of doctor I would like to become or specialize in. These are merely filler questions and do very little justice. Why do you want to be a doctor? Why did you enlist in the military? What about politics intrigues you that much? What pushes you to want to write for the rest of your life? What in business drives you so to want to take business classes? Are these filler majors till you get a job doing something else? Do you have career goal that you one day wish to fulfill with this major? Honestly I can only answer these questions for a small selection of people I know, even the ones I’ve known for many, many moons.


          What along the path stopped us from wanting to know? I ask from the standpoint that we just do not care anymore, and this I infer from the observing that nobody asks these questions, unless it’s one person out of 100. Profound conversations make me happy. Most people, when I bring this up, agree. We want to create this deep connection with each other, yet we rarely do. The times I do, I never forget and every time I see that person, I don’t only see them but I see the person they wish to become and I hold them on a different level of respect due to that.

          I’m going to make it a goal to attempt to deeply connect with at least one person every night that I go out. It is not an attempt at flirting if it’s with a person of the opposite sex; my interest is solely to get to know that person. Not many people know who I actually am and that is not because I chose to hide this knowledge yet I simply never have been asked. Most people are not going to post their dreams and favorite interests on facebook’s “info” tab. So how are we going to find out who loves the same things we do, who enjoys the same activities, unless we go and find out instead of putting it to chance. Some people are more shy than others such as myself, that’s ok, I’m not going to pry if this type of person comes along, after all this is an act of a different level of respect that I want to learn how to create among a mass of people that I’ve never really done before. How can we learn to progress as a whole if we not know the direction or size of each cog piece involved? Every human is different in so many ways yet identical in such a simple view. We all have the power to do unimaginable things, our brain’s potential is off the scale and that power resides in every single baby born as well as every person who lets go of his or her last breath.  

What makes you tick, what makes you do the things you do? We are all unique and I cannot think of anything more interesting than to ask for and hear the infinite possible answers to these rather simple questions. So what are you passionate about? Where do you see yourself 5-10 years down the road, or where do you WISH you could be in this time? Is what you’re in college for truly what you want to do or are you simply trying to go with the mainstream of reality because you’re a little scared and honestly just haven’t found that motive yet? Not every one needs to have a firm grasp on the next 5+ years of their life, it is a very acceptable answer to have zero ideas about what’s going to happen, there is still plenty of other questions that can be asked to create a very unique bond that will be shared with no one other. Most of the time one must ask what a person wishes for in order to find out the desired bit of information that eludes we seek. Sometimes we get so in front of ourselves that we forget or believe that we are directionless and feel completely lost. But our desires, our wishes are little flames that still hold the hope of what our hearts yearn for. Not the cliché wish about owning your own island with unlimited everything, but the dreams that we share with very few people, the dreams that we think would be too embarrassing to tell, and they feel embarrassing because they are foreign to our tongue, we don’t speak them and so others believe that it is not our normal behavior when in reality its more us than they possibly ever may have known.  3/22-3/23/10

Change

Change

Change is a necessity for life, I’m a firm believer in this and I hear it almost every year being a biology major and all. Some change is good (President Obama) some change can be bad (discontinuation of surge soda). My life has had some pretty dramatic changes and I’m still coping with whether or not it was good or bad. I’m leaning towards good just because it is part of who I am today and I love who I’ve become, but at the same time some of it makes me reminisce and I become saddened.

I left a big group of friends a little over two years ago for a place where I knew zero. Within that big group of friends I had a very strong bond between 4 or 5 guys, particularly 3 that could always stand out. We were together pretty much every day for the last 2 years, spent every weekend together and even spent a summer working every day together. Oddly we never got sick of each other and we became to look at ourselves as brothers rather than friends. I made plans to stay instate and live with 2 of the 3 at college while the lone ranger left to live with his mother in Arizona. After months of convincing one of my friends to go to South Dakota State to live with my buddy and I, the time had come where my life would change forever. Around March of my senior year I broke the news that I would instead be moving to Hawaii, an island 2300 miles off the coast of California and just shy of 4000 miles away from my house. The guys were pretty bitter about it but eventually we all got over it and were fine. I figured that I would lose a bunch of friends but not these 3 guys, they weren’t friends, they were the closest thing I had to family besides my parents and 2 sisters.

Freshman year I tried texting and calling back home and by the time October came around I was getting few responses and even less texts from them. Kramer, the one who went to Arizona kept on good terms, we would skype almost every day, talk for anywhere from 5 minutes to a couple hours. I returned home and everything seemed to fall back into the way it was but there was still an atmosphere of change, like something happened, and I couldn’t help but feel like the bad guy, the one who ran away and ditched. Sophomore came and has almost left and now I barely speak to Kramer, the guy who wouldn’t let me hang up before saying “I love you” will now leave without saying good bye or will not even return the gesture which before was never even an option.

I now leave my new home in a little over 3 weeks to return to a place that I once called home. It will be my first summer without my best friend, and we will see how often I see the other 2 guys as last year it seemed that I fell a few notches on their priority list. This is life, and I have many more people back home to return home to see and talk story with but I don’t feel like I’m going home without my brothers, I feel more as if I’m just going on a 2 month vacation where I will sit next to the fire at night with a beer in my hand as I zone out looking at the flames about my new best friend here, and my other close friends and girlfriends that I now have left in order to return to South Dakota. It feels insane how something that was once so powerful could be flipped around so easily. The friendships I made here were created from countless hours, where we not only hung out together but we grew up together, we survived together and that’s why I feel like college friends seem to truly last longer, as their imprint is much deeper. However I grew up with these 3 guys as well, we have been through a lot, seen every spectrum of emotion and even almost beat the living snot out of each other, so I guess I was a fool to think that these relationships would have lasted.

It’s this point of my memory where I can’t help but feel like I betrayed them that nothing would have happened if I stayed and went to SDSU. I don’t regret it; I love Hawaii as much as my mother’s smile. But I also love my brothers, no matter what has happened in our past they will always forever have a place in my heart that can never be removed, its been branded but I guess it’s this kind of change that simply breaks my heart. 

Children

 Children

No matter how far in life we come, it seems like we can always be held accounted for by somebody else. We have grown up together, matured and developed into young adults but sometimes it hits us that we are still yet, children. This thought crossed my mind as a police officer, shortly after waking me up from my mere 2 hours of sleep, was telling me about this little light green plant that was one of many natural plants making a come back on the island. He told us of how the state is spending the little money it has on trying to create as close to optimal environment as possible for these species to prosper and until then it is illegal to camp at such spots.

We grow up and go off to college and a lot of people will tell you they really matured once leaving the nest, at least the ones who did leave the nest. They will tell you stories about how they pay certain bills or make dinner and have a job and their own place they are renting out, basically bragging about being a mature adult now. As these mature adults, my friends and I decided to go camping at Kaena Point on the North Shore, because after all, we make our own life decisions so we can do that. We brought tents, supplies for a fire, a camping grill, some headlamps and of course, some beverages. During the night, though nobody really ever directly thinks it, we all act like adults, we sometimes let the inner child out but there’s usually someone there to give some guidance so nobody winds up falling into the fire pit or other horrific accidents that could easily occur in the out doors.  We feel proud as we set up camp and put out the garbage bags and think to ourselves “malama aina” save the island. But by morning time as the officer is giving me a verbal warning as my friend leaves to wake up the other kids sleeping in their cars to avoid the nightly rain showers, that alcohol as well as camp fires are also illegal here and that we are very lucky he’s not the state or else we’d all be getting hefty fines. He follows up with a line that hit me like a train, “I’m not your mom but I’m going to come down on you hard like yours would, you guys are good kids I’m sure but you just should have known better...”

As I looked around at the mess I needed to clean up as fast as possible I saw cans scattered everywhere, I thought about the pallets we burned and buried that we never thought to take out the nails in those pallets before tossing them on the fire. The fire which burned so furiously and required us to constantly go out checking for more and more wood because out of 20 people there, only 3-6 would volunteer each time, the same 3-6. Fire in my opinion is the most important part of camping or a close second behind shelter for sleeping. So it doesn’t seem the most responsible to watch the last log burn up thinking, “oh we got time guys, don’t worry!”

So are we really adults? Or did we just set up the night as if, and then let loose. For this, I know that I’ve still a lot to learn before I can look myself in the mirror and be convinced I’m truly responsible adult. Adults get drunk but they do it in legal camp areas, they don’t throw their empties in a pile on the ground they throw them in a bag. The fire is always burning at a constant level and does not create a potential future problem to the environment around it. Did anybody bring any first aid? I was going to but I realized I forgot the little kit I was going to bring but I was rushed out and we were already a few miles down the road. But nobody else had anything. These little things add up to be big solutions to minor problems and the keep those minor problems from becoming serious issues of the night.

I have nothing at all against acting like children, in fact I’m more likely than not in favor of that behavior, but I only favor that behavior from an emotionally mature standpoint. I feel that it’s a safe haven that is fun to visit but should never be looked to as a permanent output. We all need to realize that we still have things to learn, our parents will tell us that they still learn from their parents or parent in-laws or other mentors but we have a lot more to learn than our parents. There’s a long path ahead and he who enters with a cloud of ignorance shall find a very dark and gloomy adventure. So ask questions, make mistakes; learn so that you can have a light on this journey. Enlightenment is the key to success in everything we do.  Be a child, but more importantly, know when to be an adult, not act like an adult, but be an adult!

Blind man

So, there is this guy on campus, he’s blind and very, very mobile. Every once and awhile I see him waiting for the campus shuttle in the morning but more often I see him walking to his classes. I’m completely amazed as well as inspired by this man. He lives in the apartments right across from me and housing was kind enough to put him on the 2^nd floor (pretty disgusting). I see this guy everywhere, coming back from classes, going to classes, at campus center, random places on campus.

            Alone he walks, and alone I observe, I find myself watching him like a mother watches her child get on their bike without training wheels for the first time, or a grant holder watches a test subject. Every time I’m equally as amazed as the first time I watched. His ability to guide and find himself using his guide stick is unparalleled to anything I’ve seen a human do before. He knows exactly where he is, and when I skated by him once I immediately was worried that I would hit his guide stick and mess something up, possibly hurt him but instead he just put it right in front of him and stood completely still. His other senses are obviously more in tuned with his environment than say, yours or mine would be; which I’ve learned in my past but this was amazing he knew I was coming before I saw him in front of me!

            My heart pounds at the site of this guy, no matter what I’m doing I lose all focus and I just pour my sympathy in his direction. I’ve heard that people in his position do not like this, people fixed in chairs hate when people try to help them with a simple task that is made harder to them solely because they are in a chair. They do not want to be sympathized, it makes sense, if I’m sick or injured I don’t want help, I want to believe that I am still fully independent. I see him though and I imagine my life without vision, its one of my biggest fears. But what if I’ve never seen anything, perhaps he was born that way and he has never been able to see the beautiful clear teal color of a wave face, or the beauty of the place he lives in, the rain, the colors of the world and the beauty of everything in it. I’m very thankful for everything I’ve seen, I know that if I lost my sight tomorrow I would be greatly saddened but I could find peace in knowing that I have been blessed with the ability to see a lot of different things, some I wish I could forget and others I wish I could remember more vibrantly nevertheless I was given the chance to SEE them.

            I caught myself praying the first time I watched him walk by in the opposite direction of me, “hey God, I just want to thank you for everything you’ve given me and blessed me with in my life…” and then I stopped because I made I a horrible mistake. Was I really being that naive to infer that because I have an additional sense that ables me to visualize my surroundings that I am somehow more blessed? No way I thought, and so I watch him and watch that he is not scared, he’s not sad, he walks with his head up and I hope that he knows he is still blessed. He is blessed with waking up every day with the gift of life, the gift of mobile legs and most definitely a more profound knowledge of the world than I perhaps never will. For all I know, he may be a lot happier than I, and I truly hope he is.

            I admire his spirit, it’s beautiful. I catch myself complaining over simple things like the university not funding a library to be open during the weekend, and here this guy is living on the 2^nd floor of a building and having to go up and down stairs numerous times because the university lacked the common sense to give him a break. He’s not mad at the world, he obviously didn’t complain because I’m sure they would have made a switch by this late into the year if he had. It hits home for me when I watch him, I feel like a small part of me connects to him on a more personal level than the average on looker. As I should be fixed to a chair with zero movement from the neck down just as much as I should be walking around with full movement. One tiny window was all that separated me from two completely polar lifestyles. I think about it every time I see him and it freaks me out to be honest, just thinking about how different my life would be, how many things I would never have experienced, how different my parents’ and sisters lives would be. All the people that have shaped me to who I am today, I would have never even met them. I can’t stand being sick because I refuse to be kept in for too long of time, I moved to Hawaii where I could run around year round and not have to be kept indoors, how radical of a change it would be if I couldn’t go outside without the push of my father, mother or sisters where my vision would be limited to what is in front of my face because turning my head would be out of the question.

            I don’t know, this is very informal writing of me, not more normal style but it’s just random thoughts that I’m writing. But I really want to be this guy’s friend. I want to just ask him if he’d like someone to walk with to his class, I could talk him through the way and quicken his pace. But I don’t want him to get mad and think I’m just another guy throwing a pity card his way you know? He knows where he is every step along the way, and maybe he likes it that way, if I was there talking him through it could throw off his internal map and scare him as he might not know where he was at that exact moment… I just wish that the world wasn’t as real as it has to be I guess… stupid I know but it’s really sad sometimes =/